valentine's day recap

Marc teaches all day on Tuesdays, so he went out on Monday night and bought valentines for all of us. He brought me roses...

...and Eva tulips! This was her first time getting flowers and she could not have been more thrilled. It was pretty cute. It kind of cracked me up to see the juxtaposition of them in her room with all of her little kid stuff.

Marc also bought shirts for the boys. I like it when Valentine's Day is just about love for everyone.

On Tuesday morning, Marc gave me this gift card for an Aveda manicure and pedicure! I had been thinking of getting a pedicure that day as a belated celebration of finishing my giant kitchen project, so I called and was able to get an appointment that very day. Because it was Valentine's Day, they had chocolate-covered strawberries and sparkling cider for the clients. I was there getting pampered for 2 hours and left feeling super relaxed and smelling divine. It was such a treat.

I gave Marc a special face cream that was on his wishlist (oh that everyone would have an Amazon wishlist!) and $5 gift cards to Cold Stone for the kids.

A package from my mom came! She totally knows what I like. I've never seen knives in my two favorite colors before! And luscious scarves that aren't too hot for me! The guys got iTunes gift cards. It's always a thrill when a package comes from Grandma.

This is the first year in I don't know how long that I didn't make heart sugar cookies, but I did make these sugar cookie bars that I found on Pinterest. Holy deliciousness. So fast, so easy, and so good! They were a temptation for Marc for sure. I took lots of them around to different neighbors, which felt like a good valentiney thing to do.

I was so behind this year, I didn't even start making valentines until the 13th! Then I sent them out in batches as I got them done. I sent the last ones today (gasp!).

Marc is on the South Beach diet again, so we decided not to go out. (It's no fun to go to a restaurant when your diet is severely restricted.) Fortunately, I found a motherlode of South Beach recipes, and I've been using those for dinners for the last couple of weeks. This chili with avocado salsa was really good! And now that he's on phase 2, we're going out to one of our favorite restaurants tomorrow.

happy valentine's day!

I happen to love valentine's day. It's not the most popular stance, but there you have it. For me, it's not really about romantic love. It's just about love. And that's something I can really get behind.

I've heard all the arguments against it – why do we need a day to express our love? We should do that every day! Agreed. But I don't care. We should show our mothers and fathers appreciation on a regular basis, too, but I'm really glad we have Mother's Day and Father's Day. We should remember the Savior and try to be more like him always, but I do love Easter and Christmastime. But I digress...

If you were an observer here in my home, you might not really see my love for this holiday. I never got around to making or putting up red, pink and white decorations. All I managed to do this year was print out a free printable and put it in a frame. I didn't make the cute heart wreath I envisioned. I didn't even make sugar cookies this year! Gasp. This might be the first year that that important tradition has been neglected.

Fortunately, my family was not neglected, due to this package that my mom sent. Gift cards, candies, straws, pencils, notebooks, heart containers, and even earmuffs and glittery belts for Eva. (Eva's response? "Everyone really ought to get themselves a Grandma Susan!")

Pretty much the only thing I did do was buy candies for my family and wrap them up in cellophane bags. And I made and sent valentines for some of my friends and family.

Because I love them! And sometimes it's nice to have a little tangible reminder of that fact.

Plus, it gave me an excuse to play with the Divine Twine that Jill gave me for Christmas. Swoon. I really love that.

Look at the adorable little valentine Kristi sent me? That's another thing I love about valentines. They don't have to have a purpose other than to be cute. Tiny doesn't hurt, either.

If it weren't for valentines, the world might have been deprived of this very cute and funny cow/math art by Max.

And this short treatise on friendship by Eva: (translated)

Dear Sammie, I know some days we are mean to each other, but today we are friends forever. I love you.

She told me that it was nice but also true. Come on! You've gotta love that!

Also, Marc came home today to a valentine Eva created wherein she fashioned an envelope out of typing paper and mucho, mucho Scotch tape. She filled it with Reese's peanut butter cups that were left over from her class valentines and addressed it to her favorite person in the world.

So to sum up:

Red, white, and pink = good.
Candy = good.
Reading the funny things your kids write = good.
Love = good.

Happy valentine's day.

the joy of love

Check out this free class! So cool. Looks like a great way to focus on love in February and hone your photography skills, all at the same time.

(I should have posted about it this morning, but it's been a crazy day. A day in which the element in my oven started sparking and burning and I unplugged the oven without realizing that it is dangerous in a potentially fatal way unless you turn off the circuit first and then discovered how disgustingly dirty it is behind the oven and so had a spontaneous and completely necessary oven cleaning, inside, out, behind, and under the range. And I had to bake my bread that had already risen in my neighbor's oven. And take Lucas on a two-hour, fruitless shoe-shopping expedition.)

Anyway. It's not too late to start!

I can't stand goodbyes

On our last day at the Outer Banks, we finished up our packing and prepared to part ways. (I foolishly decided not to do my hair that day, since we would be driving most of the day to get back to Charlotte. I should have predicted that we would take a family photo. It figures.)

my mom hugging Eva

Lucas getting a juicy smooch from Fiona

Ryan and Jessie (Ryan gives the best hugs of anyone I know.)

My parents and my siblings. (Bella is poking her head up and crying because Jessie told her that this was a photo of just her original family. Bella did not get that at all and was quite offended.)

Notice Fiona pulling out the pirate face, despite my attempts at being sneaky.

We only really had to say goodbye to my mom, Ryan and Miles, since they were going directly home to Pennsylvania, and my dad was driving back to Charlotte to transport my boys and all of the luggage. If you have to say goodbye, a staggered approach can be a mitigating factor.

The girls had only one pillow in the car and tried to share it. It didn't work out all that well.

We had a cool, rainy day, and although I'm sure it wasn't great for the drivers, it felt heavenly to me. I was so grateful for a bit of respite from the heat and humidity. I'm definitely not made for the South.

Max, Lucas, and my dad had one more night of sleeping at Jessie's before departing early Sunday morning. I took the boys for one last Rita's water ice and to get snacks at Trader Joe's. Once again, they had to get up before 4:00 am to go to the airport. They were good sports.

I drove them to the airport to fill out the necessary paperwork for them to travel as unaccompanied minors, and then I had to hobble through the airport to walk them to their gate. I know they're older children, but it still felt very foreign to send them off to travel by themselves. I sat at the gate and waited for quite awhile until the plane actually took off, just to be sure.

terribly sad, but not tragic

My sweet grandmother, my hero, had a stroke (or something like it) on Monday. She is not expected to live beyond today.

I think I needed last week's sacrament meeting to get me through this difficult time. Grandma always said that there is no tragedy except in sin. So although it feels tragic to me to think about my life without her in it, to not be able to call and get her advice, her words of wisdom, a recipe, or just to laugh about how annoying our dogs are, I guess I'll have to listen to her on this account, as well.

It's funny that although my cousins and siblings and I have been trying to prepare ourselves for this inevitability for years, it didn't really work. I still feel an incredible emptiness, a hole that feels like it can never be filled.

I know that Grandma didn't want to grow too old and infirm, I know that she will be unbelievably happy, that she'll be freed from the restrictions of her aging body. So I'm happy for her, really. But it sure is hard to be the ones left behind.

Sunday thoughts

Today my Sunday thoughts come not from anything that happened in our church meetings today, but rather from a book I read for book club entitled Kitchen Table Wisdom. I read it at the beginning of the month, but there is a passage that has really stayed with me -- in fact, I find I can't escape it.

It concerns love vs. approval (italics are mine):

The life in us is diminished by judgment far more frequently than by disease. Our own self-judgment or the judgment of other people can stifle our life force, its spontaneity and natural expression. Unfortunately, judgment is commonplace. It is as rare to find someone who loves us as we are as it is to find someone who loves themselves whole.

Judgment does not only take the form of criticism. Approval is also a form of judgment. When we approve of people, we sit in judgment of them as surely as when we criticize them. Positive judgment hurts less acutely than criticism, but it is judgment all the same and we are harmed by it in far more subtle ways. To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. This is as true of the approval we give ourselves as it is of the approval we offer others. Approval can't be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been. It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy. Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.

A great deal of energy goes into this process of editing ourselves. We may have come to admire in ourselves what is admired, expect what is expected, and value what is valued by others. We have changed ourselves into someone that the people who matter to us can love. Sometimes we no longer know what is true for us, in which direction our own integrity lies.

When times are harsh, and what is needed to bloom cannot be found, certain plants become spores. These plants dampen down and wall off their life force in order to survive. When no one listens, children form spores. In an environment hostile to their uniqueness, when they are judged, criticized, and reshaped through approval into what is wanted rather than supported and allowed to develop naturally into who they are, children wall the unloved parts of themselves away. People may become spores young and stay that way throughout most of their lives. But a spore is a survival strategy, not a way of life. What you needed to do to survive may be very different from what you need to do to live. The saddest part is that we may have forgotten what it is like to be whole.

Reclaiming ourselves usually means coming to recognize and accept that we have in us both sides of everything. We are capable of fear and courage, generosity and selfishness, vulnerability and strength. These things do not cancel each other out but offer us a full range of power and response to life. Sometimes our vulnerability is our strength, our fear develops our courage.

This passage just struck me to the core. I had never considered approval to be a form of judgment before, but now I see that it can be. I am realizing that this affects me most particularly as a mother -- I surely do dispense or withhold my approval from my children depending on their behavior.

Somehow I must instill in them the knowledge that they are important, valuable people -- and that I love them -- no matter what behavior they choose. I am reminded of something my grandmother tells me frequently, that mothers are more concerned with behavior, and grandmothers more concerned with feelings. Mothers are necessarily more concerned with behavior, as it is our duty to teach and model good behavior. But I think I need to be a little more aware of and concerned about their feelings as well.

Today in sacrament meeting, our choir sang Dearest Children, God Is Near You. We have a small group of Primary-age girls who sing with our choir, and they were particularly angelic today. I am grateful that I know with absolute certainty that God's love is not dependent upon His approval of us, although our obedience to his precepts surely brings Him great happiness. I hope I will be able to love them as He does.

spt -- I am saying "I love you" when I...

...get up early with the kids every day. Even though I am tired, and I would rather not do it, I know it is easier for me than for you.

(tired me, first thing in the morning)

...have dinner ready.

...encourage you to do things that make you happy.

...listen to your drama, even when it stresses me out.

...comment on all of your blog posts.

...do the Monthly Special.

spt -- I love it when you...

make the bed!

Also when you put your dishes in the dishwasher, put the toilet seat down, and, of course, surprise me -- you have such a way with surprises.

love letter #3: max

Dear Maxman --

I love you. I don't know where the last 12 years have gone, I remember so clearly the day you arrived, on our 4th anniversary. You challenged my preconceptions of what a newborn would be like. You didn't really like to sleep much, and it was obvious you just didn't want to miss out on any of the fun. You challenged me as a mother, and pushed me to study and learn and pray. You taught me patience, a gift that has served me well.

As my oldest child, you have had to endure many mistakes on my part -- there's a steep learning curve here, so please be forgiving. You are such a perfectionist and are terribly hard on yourself; you seem to always be disappointed in yourself, even though everyone else thinks you are wonderful! Your dad and I both have perfectionist tendencies, but we have always tried not to impose this on you. It is hard to see someone that I love so much never giving himself a break.

You and I have a lot in common -- you also need alone time and sometimes need to retreat from social chaos. You love school and do very well in your classes. You enjoy trying new recipes and are undaunted by complicated ones. You are shy with new people, but open up when you get to know them. Almost every time I get frustrated by your behavior, I end up realizing that you're just so much like me. Oops!

I love the friendship you have with Lucas. I love that you are not afraid to love math, fractals, graphing, and computer programming. I love that you decided to take up the cello and have discovered a new passion. I love that you were so thrilled to get a music stand for Christmas, and that you are genuinely happy with any little gift or trinket that comes your way. I love the way you love and protect your little sister, and I love your willingness to babysit (I promise to try not to take too much advantage). I love the fact that you are such good company.

I know as well as I know anything in this world that your sensitivity, your persistence, your intelligence, and your desire to do what is right will take you far during your lifetime. As your mother, I see that my job is to help you channel these qualities in positive ways and to try to teach you not to be overwhelmed by the difference between who you are now and who you want to become (I am so familiar with that quest). You will always be my first baby, my thoughtful, loving boy.

Love -- Mom

love letter #2: lucas

{Lucas doing his usual mock battle with utensils as he unloads the silverware.}

Dear Lucas --

I love you. I can hardly even believe you are the same little boy who used to be so fearful and cautious about everything. Like the time you were too afraid to go sledding with Max, Landon and Whitney, but you covered it up gracefully by saying you just didn't like to sit on red things. Or the time you didn't want to go outside because there were kittens and butterflies out there (oh the terror). You used to be so shy, you didn't want to participate in all the fun at preschool.

Now you are one of the most outgoing kids I know! You didn't even think twice about changing schools to follow Max when you were in first grade, and you made lots of new friends with no trouble at all. Your teacher recently told me that you don't seem to care what your peers think of you, you just go your own way -- an enviable trait at any age. Example: when your classmates were critiquing each other's stories and advised you that your title was too long (My Dirty Room Is So Dirty It Swallows Me In Its Dirtyness of Evilness), you just shrugged and said you liked it. The title remained unchanged.

You have such a great sense of humor. I love your deep giggles when something gets you laughing. I love the way you look up to your big brother, and I love the way you play with your little sister and are so tender with her. I love reading with you and playing board games (I still can't believe you can kick my butt at Cities & Knights of Catan). I hope you'll understand if I sometimes tune out when you tell me every detail about your computer or video games, but you know I can't follow those complicated RPG things... I just nod my head and make appropriate mm-hmm sounds every now and then. Like your great-grandma Charlotte says, "Children aren't boring to me, but sometimes the things they like are."

I guess maybe you still harbor some of your fears, but you keep them inside, because you do occasionally have night terrors which are sad and a little frightening to your dad and me (although you don't remember them at all). And you do frequently get sick to your stomach, which may or may not be related to stress (another thing we have in common).

I hope you know how much I love you and always will, even when you don't recognize when you are whining, or can't seem to lower your voice when Eva is sleeping. And I hope you will never be afraid to follow your own path. You will always be my Lucas-Pookus.

Love -- Mom

love letter #1: eva

{I am taking a page out of Jordan's book and writing some love letters this week, in honor of Valentine's Day. Thanks for the great idea, Jordan!}


Dear Eva --

I love you. You do drive me to distraction some days, but I still love you up to the mountains, up to the clouds, up to the airplanes, and up to the top of the Eiffel Tower. (And every time I tell you that, you giggle and say, "The Eiffel Tower is in Paris, it's not inside Costco!" I have no idea why.)

You have much, much more energy than I do, and I know this is a source of frustration to you. If I could change it, I would! Maybe someday I will be able to keep up with you, but until then, I will continue to make Play-Doh birthday cakes with you, play Primary songs for you on the piano, play the "froggy-tat" game (back-flips off my lap), help you get dressed up like fairies and princesses, play make-believe with your animals, eat the pretend foods you prepare for me in your kitchen, and read you endless books. I hope you never stop saying "lose" when you mean "use".

Thank you for accompanying me on all of my errands. Thank you for spontaneously telling me that you love me. Thank you for making me laugh every day. (Today's example: "Your name is Mommy. But sometimes I call you Meat." You don't ever do that, but it just made me giggle.) Thank you for snuggling with me, and for our high-pitched cooing game. Thank you for loving your brothers so much. Thank you for singing all the time.

Don't ever change. (Unless you'd like to give up screaming -- I'd be okay with that.)

I love you -- Mommy

love one another

Probably my favorite thing about motherhood is observing my children interacting with each other and caring for each other.

This morning, Lucas wasn't feeling well. He was curled up in a chair, and Eva was very concerned about him. She set out to try and make him feel better.

Eva: "How are you feeling, Lucas?"

Lucas: "not so good..."

Eva: "Oh, poor little guy. Do you have a headache?"

Lucas: "Yes, and my stomach hurts."

Eva: "You just need to burp, Lucas, then your tummy will feel better!"

She then proceeded to curl up next to him and give him hugs and kisses. When he still wasn't responding by feeling better, she galloped down the hall to get some books and returned to "read" to him. I just stood in the kitchen listening to whole conversation and feeling happy. (When Lucas started throwing up, I had to insist that Eva leave him alone. Snuggling and hugs & kisses are off-limits for the time being.)

Since she couldn't offer her consolation to Lucas anymore, she wandered over and found Max making graphs on the computer. She climbed up on his lap and gave him advice on what colors his graphs should be. She loves her big brothers.

Witnessing these small, daily, loving interactions makes me feel like I'm doing something right. They know how to be nice to each other! They know how to care about someone else. It is so gratifying.

On another note, the cutest thing happened today in Primary. It was singing time, and we were playing "Name That Tune", with a twist. I would start playing a melody, starting with just 2 or 3 notes, and whenever the children recognized the song, they were supposed to stand up. I would then play a little more, and a little more, until all the children were standing. Then we would sing the song.

When we got to I Am a Child of God, I played the first 3 notes. One of our new Sunbeams (3 years old) stood right up and belted out the entire first verse. It was hilarious and adorable, all at the same time. She showed such enthusiasm and was so earnest, it was one of those priceless moments where you just want to jump up and shout, "I love Primary!". (Today is so much better than yesterday!)

in their element

For my last Thanksgiving wrap-up post, I am showcasing different family members ... in their element. (or at least one of their elements!)

Grandpa sitting at his desk. I was able to sneak away for a little while and just chat with him. He told me some stories I'd never heard before, and, characteristically, he teared up during the telling. So sweet.

Grandma posing with the amazing birthday cake she made for Marc. She's the queen of baking, who has given me tutelage, inspiration, and all my best recipes.

A blurry photo of my Uncle Mark, graciously doing the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.

Emily playing a Schumann piece for our entertainment after dinner. Impressive!

Dad, Denise, Marc, and Mom, perusing the family photos and choosing their favorites.

Charlotte, reading while snacking on Denise's amazing bruschetta. So classic.

The men, falling asleep while "watching the football game". (Well, maybe Mark was awake...)

Sarah entertaining Eva -- jumping on Sarah's makeshift bed and playing with dolls. I was so glad for her willingness to play with Eva all week!

Mom, emptying, sorting, and refilling the piggy bank she brought for Eva -- for the umpteenth time.

Grandma testing the dough balls. She loves the feel of dough.

Denise making a triple batch (!) of her famous rolls. They were all gone by the morning after.

Max and John engrossed in a chess game.

Sarah and Lucas playing a video game.

Mom peeling yams. Is that the cutest apron or what? I guess I should have a photo of her decorating -- that is her true element -- but she is also a pretty amazing cook!

And for a laugh, here is Emily doing her Paula Abdul impersonation:

I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend with my loved ones -- even though it never seems to be enough time. I feel like I got to know my cousins better. (Isn't there just something special about cousins?) Every time I am with my parents, grandparents and other family members, I feel like I am storing up treasured memories and a reserve of unconditional love. It is so sustaining. And watching my children interact with my grandparents was especially heartwarming for me, I love it that they get to know their great-grandparents. The only thing that would have made this gathering any better would be if Jessie's family could have been there. (sniff)

When we returned home, Lucas said, "I'm glad to be home, but I'm sad to be home. I'm glad because I like being home, but I'm sad because now we're far away from everyone." My thoughts exactly.

vision

A few days ago I read a quote on Anne's blog, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.

"Love conforms to our vision. You'll always get what you want, so have the desire for the highest love you can imagine." - Deepak Chopra

These words have rocked my world.

They have made me realize how low my aspirations have been. I tend to expect very little from others. That way, if they fail me, I am not totally crushed, because I really wasn't expecting them to come through in a big way. And if they happen to exceed my expectations (obviously not all that difficult to do), I am pleasantly surprised.

Evidently, it has been more important to protect myself from disappointment than to dream big. What is the highest love I can imagine? I don't know -- I haven't allowed myself to even imagine it. But I think I need to give up my cherished invulnerability. I need a new vision.