my Seattle "epiphany"

So, while we were in Seattle, I had one of my epiphanies. You should know that my epiphanies probably don't even deserve that appellation, because, as enlightening as they may seem to me at the time, they are quite often of the DUH variety. You have been warned.

Whenever I would think about Seattle, my thoughts didn't really get beyond, "I love Seattle!"

I never thought too much about why I loved it, or what I loved about it. I just knew that I was excited to be going back, and excited to show the kids around the city that we so enjoyed.

But as we were visiting various museums and attractions – basically being tourists – I suddenly realized: this is not what I loved about Seattle. What I loved about Seattle was living there.

It was the awesome public library system. It was working at the University of Washington. It was the beautiful, lush greenery everywhere. It was becoming a mother. It was taking Max to the local bagel shop and swimming at the lake. It was shopping for quilt fabric at In the Beginning. It was our great friends. It was pushing the stroller with Max on the Burke Gilman trail. It was my incredible doctor. It was rarely being too hot.

It was picking wild blackberries and making cobblers and jam and ice cream and just eating bowlfuls of berries with cream.

So as much as I enjoyed returning to Seattle, it just wasn't the same at all.

See? I told you – duh.

{the end}

Sunday thoughts

Today my Sunday thoughts come not from anything that happened in our church meetings today, but rather from a book I read for book club entitled Kitchen Table Wisdom. I read it at the beginning of the month, but there is a passage that has really stayed with me -- in fact, I find I can't escape it.

It concerns love vs. approval (italics are mine):

The life in us is diminished by judgment far more frequently than by disease. Our own self-judgment or the judgment of other people can stifle our life force, its spontaneity and natural expression. Unfortunately, judgment is commonplace. It is as rare to find someone who loves us as we are as it is to find someone who loves themselves whole.

Judgment does not only take the form of criticism. Approval is also a form of judgment. When we approve of people, we sit in judgment of them as surely as when we criticize them. Positive judgment hurts less acutely than criticism, but it is judgment all the same and we are harmed by it in far more subtle ways. To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. This is as true of the approval we give ourselves as it is of the approval we offer others. Approval can't be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been. It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy. Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.

A great deal of energy goes into this process of editing ourselves. We may have come to admire in ourselves what is admired, expect what is expected, and value what is valued by others. We have changed ourselves into someone that the people who matter to us can love. Sometimes we no longer know what is true for us, in which direction our own integrity lies.

When times are harsh, and what is needed to bloom cannot be found, certain plants become spores. These plants dampen down and wall off their life force in order to survive. When no one listens, children form spores. In an environment hostile to their uniqueness, when they are judged, criticized, and reshaped through approval into what is wanted rather than supported and allowed to develop naturally into who they are, children wall the unloved parts of themselves away. People may become spores young and stay that way throughout most of their lives. But a spore is a survival strategy, not a way of life. What you needed to do to survive may be very different from what you need to do to live. The saddest part is that we may have forgotten what it is like to be whole.

Reclaiming ourselves usually means coming to recognize and accept that we have in us both sides of everything. We are capable of fear and courage, generosity and selfishness, vulnerability and strength. These things do not cancel each other out but offer us a full range of power and response to life. Sometimes our vulnerability is our strength, our fear develops our courage.

This passage just struck me to the core. I had never considered approval to be a form of judgment before, but now I see that it can be. I am realizing that this affects me most particularly as a mother -- I surely do dispense or withhold my approval from my children depending on their behavior.

Somehow I must instill in them the knowledge that they are important, valuable people -- and that I love them -- no matter what behavior they choose. I am reminded of something my grandmother tells me frequently, that mothers are more concerned with behavior, and grandmothers more concerned with feelings. Mothers are necessarily more concerned with behavior, as it is our duty to teach and model good behavior. But I think I need to be a little more aware of and concerned about their feelings as well.

Today in sacrament meeting, our choir sang Dearest Children, God Is Near You. We have a small group of Primary-age girls who sing with our choir, and they were particularly angelic today. I am grateful that I know with absolute certainty that God's love is not dependent upon His approval of us, although our obedience to his precepts surely brings Him great happiness. I hope I will be able to love them as He does.

Creative Friday

It looked liked Creative Friday was going to be a bust yesterday, due to a 12:30 meeting with the ENT, but Jill came around 1:00 and we had Tex-Mex nachos for lunch. Fortunately, she was able to work her scheming magic so that she could stay till 6:00, and that way it didn't feel wrecked.

Jill was cracking me up with her pen woes. She bought a bunch of new ones, but they weren't writing and she had to keep scribbling to get the ink to flow. (I hate when that happens.) The funny part was her holding them up and saying "Scorn! Scorn!" I might have tried to get video of that, but she made sure I was only taking stills...

Sadly, the Land Before Time marathon never really happened. She watched part of one and then came out to sit with us and ask a million questions. Then she wanted to invite a neighbor over to play, which presented a whole new set of problems. (e.g., Eva was yelling and when I asked what the problem was, she said, "Sammy said I was four! I'm not four!" I explained that she would be four next month, but apparently that was irrelevant. Sammy just looked at me and shrugged in bewilderment.) Eva really needs more experience with playdates...

Jill had a really interesting thought in her C.F. write-up: "I love the thought of Eva witnessing Creative Friday every week since her birth. I wonder if she'll grow up with a love of friendship and creating because she saw her mother loving it for so long. What a wonderful legacy to leave her." How much do I love that?

My grandmother taught me long ago to make time for me, and time for things I love, and not to feel guilty about it. That was some of the best advice I have ever received. I am convinced that I am a better mother because of Creative Friday and other creative and personal pursuits. It's the best tool for managing depression I have in my arsenal. (Well, that and Lexapro...) Now the thought of modeling that for Eva makes it that much better!

I worked on my birthday thank you cards and still managed to feel like I accomplished something, even with all of the interruptions. And anyway, Creative Friday is at least as much about reconnecting and laughter as it is about accomplishing things. (But accomplishing things sure does feel good, too.)

Holy cow, this is a bad picture of me. I was having a really ugly day -- one of those days where nothing could salvage my face or hair. (Why does that happen?) In any case, if it weren't for the tradition, I would not be posting a photo of us from this week!