Sunday thoughts

Today my Sunday thoughts come not from anything that happened in our church meetings today, but rather from a book I read for book club entitled Kitchen Table Wisdom. I read it at the beginning of the month, but there is a passage that has really stayed with me -- in fact, I find I can't escape it.

It concerns love vs. approval (italics are mine):

The life in us is diminished by judgment far more frequently than by disease. Our own self-judgment or the judgment of other people can stifle our life force, its spontaneity and natural expression. Unfortunately, judgment is commonplace. It is as rare to find someone who loves us as we are as it is to find someone who loves themselves whole.

Judgment does not only take the form of criticism. Approval is also a form of judgment. When we approve of people, we sit in judgment of them as surely as when we criticize them. Positive judgment hurts less acutely than criticism, but it is judgment all the same and we are harmed by it in far more subtle ways. To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. This is as true of the approval we give ourselves as it is of the approval we offer others. Approval can't be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been. It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy. Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.

A great deal of energy goes into this process of editing ourselves. We may have come to admire in ourselves what is admired, expect what is expected, and value what is valued by others. We have changed ourselves into someone that the people who matter to us can love. Sometimes we no longer know what is true for us, in which direction our own integrity lies.

When times are harsh, and what is needed to bloom cannot be found, certain plants become spores. These plants dampen down and wall off their life force in order to survive. When no one listens, children form spores. In an environment hostile to their uniqueness, when they are judged, criticized, and reshaped through approval into what is wanted rather than supported and allowed to develop naturally into who they are, children wall the unloved parts of themselves away. People may become spores young and stay that way throughout most of their lives. But a spore is a survival strategy, not a way of life. What you needed to do to survive may be very different from what you need to do to live. The saddest part is that we may have forgotten what it is like to be whole.

Reclaiming ourselves usually means coming to recognize and accept that we have in us both sides of everything. We are capable of fear and courage, generosity and selfishness, vulnerability and strength. These things do not cancel each other out but offer us a full range of power and response to life. Sometimes our vulnerability is our strength, our fear develops our courage.

This passage just struck me to the core. I had never considered approval to be a form of judgment before, but now I see that it can be. I am realizing that this affects me most particularly as a mother -- I surely do dispense or withhold my approval from my children depending on their behavior.

Somehow I must instill in them the knowledge that they are important, valuable people -- and that I love them -- no matter what behavior they choose. I am reminded of something my grandmother tells me frequently, that mothers are more concerned with behavior, and grandmothers more concerned with feelings. Mothers are necessarily more concerned with behavior, as it is our duty to teach and model good behavior. But I think I need to be a little more aware of and concerned about their feelings as well.

Today in sacrament meeting, our choir sang Dearest Children, God Is Near You. We have a small group of Primary-age girls who sing with our choir, and they were particularly angelic today. I am grateful that I know with absolute certainty that God's love is not dependent upon His approval of us, although our obedience to his precepts surely brings Him great happiness. I hope I will be able to love them as He does.