40 &...

So. Here's the thing: I'm turning 40 this month.

You should know that I have never yet cared about any of my birthdays. I mean, I enjoy my birthdays, but I have never cared about my age. And I had no plans to change that.

When my darling aunt Denise turned 40 a few years ago, I decided that 40 must not be too bad! She is darling and young and vibrant.

But in the last month or so, a little bit of caring has been creeping up on me out of nowhere.

It may have something to do with the fact that I developed symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome and had to get a root canal, all while going to physical therapy 3x a week for my knee treatments. What? I'm 39 and it feels like my body is starting to fall apart!

Right now, I feel like I'm almost 40 & fat, and 40 & a little frightened. But I'm determined to become 40 & fabulous.

At least I'm working on my knees. And I started a diet yesterday (for the first time in about 10 years!!). I'm told that 40 is a great time, a time of rediscovering yourself, having a little more time and freedom to devote to interests/passions that have had to be put on the back burner for, oh, let's just say a very long time.

I can do this. Right??

some sort of complex

{the face of introspection}

I had an embarrassing moment of self-discovery about a month ago.

Marc and I went to see Inception. We really enjoyed it. It's the kind of movie that you want to see again, knowing what you know at the end, to see how different it is the second time around.

Anyway. The ending is somewhat of a cliffhanger in that you are left not really knowing how it all pans out. The audience audibly showed their frustration at the very end.

And what was my reaction? I was mentally applauding them, thinking, "Go, Oremites! You got it!"

What the?! Why would I think that my fellow movie-goers would be any less capable of understanding the movie than Marc and myself?

This event plunged me into a bout of introspection. Do I think I'm more intelligent than the average joe? Do I have a superiority complex?

This is terrible.

(Not that I came to a conclusive answer, but it's terrible even to have to contemplate.)

. . .
fast forward
. . .

I feel down. I am beating myself up. About everything. I feel incapable of doing all that is required of me. I must be letting everyone down. What am I doing now that will put my kids in therapy later? (This is not an uncommon train of thought.)

So do I have an inferiority complex?

Can you simultaneously feel superior and inferior? Or alternate betwixt the two? Because it feels like I have some sort of complex.