Sunday thoughts

First of all, a confession: last night I went to bed half-hoping I would wake up feeling too ill to go to church today. (Three members of my family are sick and I've had a scratchy throat and stomachache, so it seemed possible.)

I just had no enthusiasm for attending our new ward again and staying home sounded pretty good, even if I had to be sick to swing it.

Well I felt pretty good this morning, so Lucas and I went to church. On the way, I asked him how long he thought it would take until this new ward, this new building, stopped feeling so weird. (I was thinking about a year.) He said he didn't think it would take long at all, that it wasn't so weird. Well, then. He was the one I was most worried about! I guess I'm the one having the hardest time.

Today was ward conference, and it was great.

One speaker talked about Mosiah 2:41:

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the happy and blessed state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true, for the Lord God hath spoken it.

I already have a desire to keep the commandments of God. I know from experience that I am much, much happier when I am doing so. But this reminder of temporal and spiritual things being linked gave me even more motivation to increase my obedience. The temporal blessings that come from obedience are not necessarily riches, but a greater ability to meet our financial obligations. We really want to reduce our debt and are in need of temporal help, so this was a welcome reminder indeed.

Another speaker related this passage:

Sometimes we feel that the busier we are, the more important we are—as though our busyness defines our worth. Brothers and sisters, we can spend a lifetime whirling about at a feverish pace, checking off list after list of things that in the end really don’t matter.

That we do a lot may not be so important. That we focus the energy of our minds, our hearts, and our souls on those things of eternal significance—that is essential.

As the clatter and clamor of life bustle about us, we hear shouting to “come here” and to “go there.” In the midst of the noise and seductive voices that compete for our time and interest, a solitary figure stands on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, calling quietly to us, “Follow me.”

—Joseph B. Wirthlin, April 2002 General Conference

I love this. Lately I feel like I have been working at a feverish pace, and feeling empty. This was a much-needed reminder to focus my energies on the things that really matter.

In addition, a sweet lady (who introduced herself to me after the meeting in which we found out we would be changing wards) sat next to me in Gospel Doctrine. She remembered my name, and she asked where the rest of my family was. She complimented Lucas, who she had seen passing the sacrament. She pretty much made my day.

And I was reminded, yet again, that I have never regretted having gone to church.

Sunday thoughts

Today we attended our new ward for the first time. It was a little bit hard. The building is unfamiliar, as are most of the people. The Primary and Young Men's programs are quite a bit smaller (I don't know about the YW).

I'm impressed, however, with the efforts the existing ward members have made to reach out to us as new members. The Primary president came to meet Eva this week. The Relief Society presidency came to meet me. Three of our familiar members spoke in sacrament meeting today and there was a little sheet with the program that had short biographies of the speakers. Great idea!

I'm such an introvert—it's really hard for me to reach out and meet new people, especially when it is a whole ward full. So I know it will just take time to adjust. Maybe in a year or so, we'll all look back on this as a positive change...

One of the talks today was given by my dear friend Heidi. Her remarks came largely from two talks by Elder Carl B. Cook: one from General Conference and one from the January Ensign. My favorite parts:

[He spoke of being discouraged in the MTC about his mastery of a new language, then praying and receiving revelation that the Lord was pleased with him.] From that point on, my measuring stick changed. I no longer gauged my progress and success against that of my companion or other members of my district. Instead, I focused on how the Lord felt I was doing. Instead of looking to the side to compare myself to others, I began to look up, so to speak, to know what He thought of my efforts.

The world we live in today has all kinds of measurements—most of them external to us. . . Sometimes we’re judged by the way we look or by the car we drive. We might base our sense of self-worth on how many friends are writing on our wall on social networking sites. We worry about what others think about the person we’re dating or what people will think if we marry before finishing school. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to please others, but we can’t trust such external measurements; the world can be too quick both to praise and to criticize.

I think the challenge for all of us—but perhaps particularly for young adults—is to try not to look sideways to see how others are viewing our lives but to look up to see how Heavenly Father sees us. He doesn’t look on the outward appearance but on the heart (see 1 Samuel 16:7). And He knows, better than anyone else, what each one of us needs.

Experience has taught me that if we, like President Monson, exercise our faith and look to God for help, we will not be overwhelmed with the burdens of life. We will not feel incapable of doing what we are called to do or need to do. We will be strengthened, and our lives will be filled with peace and joy. We will come to realize that most of what we worry about is not of eternal significance—and if it is, the Lord will help us. But we must have the faith to look up and the courage to follow His direction.

This reminds me of something my grandmother used to say: that she had learned to stop worrying about what others thought of her—even those most close and dear—and focus instead on what the Lord thought of her. She would pray to see herself, for good or ill, through His eyes. Then she could know what she needed to change, and she could also feel the peace and acceptance of knowing she was loved for who she really was.

I just love this concept, and want to strengthen my abilities to look up.

Sunday thoughts on Monday

(Yesterday was a lovely foggy day—everything was flocked with a layer of frost.)

At 3:00, the members of two wards in our stake were called in to a special meeting, where boundary changes were announced.

Each member of the stake presidency spoke about how we are all called to do hard things, about how these changes will bring about much good.

But what really stood out to me was a reference to Caleb, in the book of Joshua, where he said, "Give me this mountain." I really don't know my Old Testament like I should, so this was not familiar to me. I looked it up tonight and thought about it.


9 And Moses sware on that day, saying, Surely the land whereon thy feet have trodden shall be thine inheritance, and thy children’s for ever, because thou hast wholly followed the Lord my God.

10 And now, behold, the Lord hath kept me alive, he said, these forty and five years, even since the Lord spake this word unto Moses, while the children of Israel wandered in the wilderness: and now, lo, I am this day fourscore and five years old.

11 As yet I am as strong this day as I was in the day that Moses sent me: as my strength was then, even so is my strength now, for war, both to go out, and to come in.

12 Now therefore give me this mountain, whereof the Lord spake in that day; for thou heardest in that day how the Anakims were there, and that the cities were great and fenced: if so be the Lord will be with me, then I shall be able to drive them out, as the Lord said. (emphasis mine)

And I found a talk by Spencer W. Kimball in October 1979, where he addressed this section of the scriptures:

From Caleb’s example we learn very important lessons. Just as Caleb had to struggle and remain true and faithful to gain his inheritance, so we must remember that, while the Lord has promised us a place in his kingdom, we must ever strive constantly and faithfully so as to be worthy to receive the reward.

Caleb concluded his moving declaration with a request and a challenge with which my heart finds full sympathy. The Anakims, the giants, were still inhabiting the promised land, and they had to be overcome. Said Caleb, now at 85 years, “Give me this mountain” (Josh. 14:12).

This is my feeling for the work at this moment. There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, “Give me this mountain,” give me these challenges.

Humbly, I give this pledge to the Lord and to you, my beloved brothers and sisters, fellow workers in this sacred cause of Christ: I will go forward, with faith in the God of Israel, knowing that he will guide and direct us, and lead us, finally, to the accomplishment of his purposes and to our promised land and our promised blessings.

I just love this.

I am not there yet. I sat and cried when I heard that we and some of our neighbors will be moving to a new ward. I am so sad for Lucas, who is leaving a great Deacon's quorum and wonderful leaders. I cried when some of my young women came and hugged me. I am sad for all of the people that I will miss, for the ward family that I have loved.

I am not ready to ask for challenges, but as they are given to me, I want to, as Caleb, wholly follow the Lord my God. I want to go forward with faith. And I am grateful for the scriptures and prophets who inspire and comfort me.

a good sign

My relationship with Eva definitely has its ups and downs. Sometimes she is just so difficult. A lot of whining. A lot of attitude. Even screaming. I try to keep my cool, to be loving yet firm. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes she can't seem to stand me. (And sometimes the feeling is kind of mutual.)

So I hold on to the good times. And when I find something like this note she left for me on the porch, my heart is glad.

Here is what it says:

What to teach me: fun crafts, how to plant seeds and how to make a riethe!!!! (wreath)


This tells me that she still loves me, she wants to be with me, and she wants to learn from me. And I am hopeful that everything is going to be okay.

Sunday thoughts

I've been reading a book this week that has really given me a lot to think about: Through His Eyes: Rethinking What You Believe About Yourself, by Virginia Pearce.

I have underlined so many things so far, I couldn't possibly share them all. So I'll just give you a few highlights, and say... I really recommend this book.

"In his personal history, Joseph Smith described his audience as "inquirers after truth." I like everything about that descriptive title: inquirer after truth. It seems to imply humility, courage, faith, an allegiance to straight thinking, a kind of mental toughness. I believe it is a description I would like to own myself – the kind of person I would like to be.

"In order to be inquirers after truth, you and I must be willing to embark with enthusiasm on a personal adventure. It is a journey outside as well as inside of ourselves. . . In essence, it requires the periodic exercise of taking everything out of the closet of our minds and purposefully returning only that which is truly useful – or actually true. Over and over again."

"Each of us is largely the product of his or her beliefs. Our behavior is governed by these. They become our standards of conduct." – President Gordon B. Hinckley

The first step is to brainstorm about the things you believe, about yourself, about others, about God, and the way the world works.

"This is where you need to be a fearless inquirer after truth. There may be some information that you're not really proud of or that seems ridiculous."

The next step is to examine your beliefs and decide which of them are true and which are not true at all. Sort the ones that are true into eternal truths and general worldly truths, because sometimes in adhering to our worldly beliefs, we get in the way of our eternal progress.

"Emotions reflect our beliefs and expectations. They do not initiate themselves, coming out of nowhere, as we sometimes think. . . This is where we, as inquirers after truth, have to be willing to be a bit brave. . . We can change our thinking as we reassess and examine our beliefs for their validity. And when our thinking changes, our emotions will change automatically."

"Emotions become debilitating and pathologic when they are driven by 1) lies posing as truth, or 2) small truths unsupported by big Truths."

"Expect to become more aware of the Spirit operating in your life. That's when you are an honest inquirer after truth."

I love the way Sister Pearce is real, the way she gives experiences from her own life and her own thinking. I am engaged in some serious soul-searching this week (which I'm sure will be ongoing), with the aim of becoming an honest inquirer after truth. Care to join me?

her vision

About a month ago, we were at the BYU Museum of Art. As I cannot resist a museum gift shop, I was perusing their offerings. I saw a wool felt stuffed elephant that I thought might be good for Bella's birthday, since she is quite the elephant lover. I should say here that I studied the elephant for a few minutes, contemplating whether I might be able to make one instead. I decided that I could not, and so I bought it.

Eva wanted to make a gift to send to Bella, one that was elephant-themed as well. She came up with and rejected many ideas, only to settle on a stuffed elephant. My protestations that we were already sending Bella a stuffed elephant were heartily ignored.

At first I thought she would draw an elephant profile, we could cut two and sew them together, stuff, DONE.

But noooooooo. She didn't want it to be 2D. She didn't want Bella to have to hold the elephant the whole time she was playing with it. It had to stand. I was quickly getting in over my head but I didn't have the heart to crush her gift-giving dream.

She drew a pattern. (I love the scissor marks.) It needed to have a bracelet, a striped trunk, a bow, a fringe-y tail, and heart-shaped ears.

I started cutting out the pattern, and she freaked out: "Wait! That's not really the shape of it!" Oh dear.

So I sketched a pattern based on the grey elephant that we bought. (Ours is like its special needs baby sister.)

I had never made a stuffed animal other than a knitted kitty. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. She didn't care about any of that. She badgered me into following this project through to completion. She was the designer and the overseer of every step of the process.

The poor girl has splayed feet and has difficulty standing with all of her appendages on the ground at once. Her trunk is crooked.

But she has a fringe-y tail, a bracelet, a striped trunk, a bow, and heart-shaped ears.

What can I say? The girl has vision.

tales from PT

My 8-week course of knee treatments is coming to an end and this is my last week of physical therapy!

My 24th and final visit will be on Friday. Each visit lasts an average of 2 hours long, which means that I have been spending 6 hours or more a week at the facility. It's funny – when you spend that much time with a group of people, you get to know a lot of things.

I calculated that there are at least 12 employees that I have worked with and talked with on a regular basis.

There's Candace, who was 7 1/2 months pregnant when I started the treatments. As time went by, she had a countdown and her co-workers had an office pool going to guess her delivery date. One day when I was there, I heard that she wasn't feeling well and went home. She delivered a beautiful baby boy a few days later!

Brittany is newly pregnant and a little green around the gills. She eats oranges to keep the nausea at bay, and sneaks candies out of the treat drawer to give to Eva.

Katherine is very petite, I think 4'10", so she often puts on/takes off ankle weights to help out her co-workers, especially the pregnant ones. She and her husband just bought their first house and moved in and she is happily unpacking and organizing.

Jeb is the loudest guy in any room. He is comfortable conversing with anyone, on any subject. He likes to talk dinosaurs with Eva because she knows about the newer ones he has never heard of before. He teases everyone, and the older patients seem to really enjoy it. He sees me reading and keeps telling me about his favorite book, Vertical Run. It is apparently a real action page-turner with quite the body count. I've told him it's not exactly my style, but he hasn't given up trying to persuade me. He has a 5-month old baby girl and lives for the weekends when he gets to take over her care and spend lots of time with her. He's got a gruff exterior, but he's really a softie.

There are about 10 other patients that I see frequently, as well.

There's Pat, who seems to be an ex-military guy. I think of him as a show-off. When he does his leg raises, he puts his foot all the way over his head and touches the wall. I don't like to do my exercises next to Pat. He always has a book with him, though, so I guess we do have something in common.

There's the woman with dark spiky hair (I never caught her name) who is always bubbly. She is cheerful and talks to everyone. I am even more reserved than usual when she is around.

There's the man who turns the speed way up on the anti-gravity treadmill and runs on his tiptoes. When the PTs ask him to slow down and walk heel-toe, he is belligerent and demands one good reason. (They have many good reasons.) I can't really blame him, it is a delightful feeling to be able to walk (or run) without pain.

Then there's the woman who comes to work out with a different, ginormous ring every time. What a character!

Blaine, a distinguished-looking older man, is polite and cooperative. He wears pink oxford shirts and jeans and has a quiet, dry sense of humor. I found out yesterday that he has made 9 trips to Ghana to help build a school. I love Blaine.

I've learned all kinds of things by talking to people at physical therapy.

I heard a terrifying story about a woman who unknowingly got a spider bite. She had a little red mark on her hand and didn't think much of it. She went out with some friends that night and they noticed a dark line going from her hand up to her elbow. They persuaded her to go to the E.R. (she didn't have insurance and was trying to avoid it). By the time she got there, it was up to her shoulder. She had blood poisoning and the doctors told her that if she had waited until morning, it would have gone to her heart and killed her! A cautionary tale.

I learned about a shooting app for smart phones. Apparently, you can enter in the type of gun you are using, and it looks up your location and factors in the wind direction and speed and tells you how to compensate. There's an app for everything!

I learned about a diet I had never heard of before – The Carbohydrate Addict's Diet. I got it from the library, read it, and am now on day 5 of following it! Who knows, maybe I'll lose all this weight and have physical therapy to thank for it!

I'm going to miss some of the people. I'm going to miss the anti-gravity treadmills. I'm going to miss the end-of-workout shaking machine. I'm definitely going to miss the knee massage and icing sessions – the reward after the pain. I'm not going to miss the big chunks of time (close to 3 hours with travel time).

I'm not sure how I used to spend all of that time when my kids are all at school, but I'm excited to find out!

p.s. My knees are feeling much, MUCH better than they did before I started!

40 &...

So. Here's the thing: I'm turning 40 this month.

You should know that I have never yet cared about any of my birthdays. I mean, I enjoy my birthdays, but I have never cared about my age. And I had no plans to change that.

When my darling aunt Denise turned 40 a few years ago, I decided that 40 must not be too bad! She is darling and young and vibrant.

But in the last month or so, a little bit of caring has been creeping up on me out of nowhere.

It may have something to do with the fact that I developed symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome and had to get a root canal, all while going to physical therapy 3x a week for my knee treatments. What? I'm 39 and it feels like my body is starting to fall apart!

Right now, I feel like I'm almost 40 & fat, and 40 & a little frightened. But I'm determined to become 40 & fabulous.

At least I'm working on my knees. And I started a diet yesterday (for the first time in about 10 years!!). I'm told that 40 is a great time, a time of rediscovering yourself, having a little more time and freedom to devote to interests/passions that have had to be put on the back burner for, oh, let's just say a very long time.

I can do this. Right??

Sunday thoughts

Because I have not yet received the November Ensign with the addresses from our October General Conference, I have been studying the May issue. Even though I have read these articles before and listened to them on my iPod, they still seem fresh. (This may or may not have something to do with my abysmal retention.)

Unsurprisingly, Sister Beck's is one of my favorites. How I love that woman.


Here are some of my favorite excerpts from "And Upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit":

A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently.

The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. . . . Insight found in scripture accumulates over time, so it is important to spend some time in the scriptures every day. Daily prayer is also essential to having the Lord’s Spirit with us. Those who earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and pencil nearby to write questions and record impressions and ideas.

Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times.

We are told to put our trust in that Spirit which leads us “to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously.” We are also told that this Spirit will enlighten our minds, fill our souls with joy, and help us know all things we should do. Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us.

Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.

In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources. To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness. We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best. We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need. We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves.

Being a woman and a mother is certainly not easy. At times I get discouraged. I frequently wonder if I am up to the task. But when I listen to or read the words of Sister Beck, I feel understood, I feel empowered, and I feel motivated to improve myself and my life. I feel like I need to have these words before my eyes wherever I go.

Sunday thoughts

I am so fired up from going to Women's Conference. There is power and strength in gathering with so many like-minded women to be instructed and uplifted.

It's hard to pick a best part, but Sister Beck's talk at the opening session is also pretty hard to beat. We all agreed that it was worth the price of admission all on its own. (I took 7 pages of notes.)

Here are my highlights:

• What is your mission? We all have a mission to develop ourselves and to build up the kingdom of God, but we should each put some thought into our individual missions.

• Taking care of our posterity takes precedence over all other things.

• Rebekah in the Old Testament had a very full mortal experience. She was one of the most pivotal people in history. She knew how to receive personal revelation.

• We are only limited by our faithfulness and our willingness to achieve.

• Go to the temple and listen to the promises the Lord has given you. Listen to the blessings and who is giving them.

• When we have the Spirit with us, we can literally walk with God. We can discern His will – we can gain the ultimate education.

• How do we choose to walk with the Lord?

know our responsibilities
increase in faith and personal righteousness
seek out and help others in need
the power of a group working together in faith is immense

• A mother is the lioness at the gate. Whatever is important to her will be important to her family, because she will make sure of it. She will devote her life to preparing her cubs to go out and serve the Lord.

• When our priorities are out of order, we lose power.

• Divide the things in your life into: essential, necessary, and nice to do. Each person's lists will be different, but many of our essentials are the same (prayer, scripture study, repentance, revelation).

• The essential things: if I don't take care of these, my eternal progression may be compromised. Know the mind and will of God. How can I help my family? What things do I need to correct?

• Necessary: Homemaking takes on new meaning when we are striving to make a home where the Spirit can dwell. Create a house of order. Be kind to your husband. Lay aside the things of the world. Become self-reliant. Love each other.

• Nice to do: Projects, having lunch with friends, leisure reading, entertainment. These things will not save us. When our priority is here, we are neglecting what is essential and necessary.

• The swing shift is when the lioness needs to be at the top of her game. When everyone comes home tired, hungry, and less lovable, they are also the most teachable and the most grateful. Prioritize where you're going to spend your energy so that you are available at this crucial time.

• Take a pencil and paper with you when you say your prayers.

• Those that are strong, take with you those that are weak.

• Visiting teaching is the best kind of friendship.

• Visiting teachers are first responders.

• Get a new copy of the Book of Mormon. Write in the front:

1. Who am I?
2. What are my responsibilities in the House of Israel?
3. How do I fulfill my responsibilities?

Record the answers you find.

• Be a Rebekah in your own generation. She never saw the outcome of her commitment during her lifetime, but her life had limitless impact.

• If we will do our part, He will walk with us, and we can walk with Him.

Jill, Kristi and I decided that we simply cannot just walk away from this conference and return to the status quo. We can't reconvene next year as the same people that we were this year. We're going to set goals based on the things we learned and be accountable to each other.

I have so much to think about, and many things to change.

I think I can, I think I can...

When my mom was here, she commented that she wondered if she could give up candy for 60 days.

For some reason, I cannot get that thought out of my head.

Because my first response was, "Nope, I couldn't."

And so that seems reason enough to find out.

I am not going to attempt 60 days. That would just be foolhardy, with Easter coming up. But I am going to try to do it from March 1st until Easter, which is only 34 days. And I'm not giving up sugar entirely, just candy. (Oh m&ms, you are a cruel mistress.)

Surely I can do that, right?

Heaven help me.