Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sunday thoughts

Last weekend (when I was in Escalante), I found out that my mom was admitted to the hospital. She had internal bleeding and her blood volume was only half what it should normally be. She was also extremely anemic. She received 3 units of blood and an iron transfusion.

There was some concern that she might have cancer, but the doctors did some tests and ruled that out. Ultimately, they couldn't figure out what was wrong, but she was stronger and was released a few days later.

I was really worried about her and hated being so far away and feeling helpless. So I did the only thing I could do—I prayed.

Marc's mom put my mom's name on the temple prayer roll and Michelle fasted for her. I was very emotional that they would do these things for my mother.

Anyway. She was home and she went back to her crazy work schedule. And this Friday, she was re-admitted. She again received 3 units of blood and an iron transfusion. Because of all of the tests that require her to fast, she hasn't eaten much of anything in almost 2 weeks. The doctors still don't know where she is bleeding or what is causing the problem. She will be transferred to a university hospital on Tuesday for further testing.

Here's the thing: I do what I can to nourish my testimony. I tend to think I am doing pretty well in the faith department. And then I am faced with a trial, and I feel like I start to fall apart. I worry, I stress, I feel kind of sick to my stomach. What is that about? I absolutely know that things will be okay in the end. Always. But when I don't know what will happen, I struggle with that. I don't know if things will be okay in the short term. What happens to my faith? Am I a fair-weather believer? I really don't want to be, but sometimes I wonder.

I've been attending our stake adult Institute class whenever I can. I went on Thursday, and was so glad I did. We discussed Genesis 18-33, and this verse really stuck out to me:

Genesis 18:19
For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.

We talked about how wonderful it would be if the Lord could be as confident in each of us as he was in Abraham, if he could say:

For I know him [or her], that he [or she] will. . .

I want to work toward being the kind of person that the Lord can count on to do whatever he asks of me, whether it be a trial, a sacrifice, helping someone else, following the promptings of his Spirit.

Our teacher told us that obedience is the power of the prophets. I guess I know what I need to do!


Neighbor Jane Payne said...

You're hardly fair-weathered Michelle. I think that initial clutch is a human reaction and not a reflection on our faith, but rather an indicator of our concern for others.

I love the Old Testament prophets. Their lives and struggles mirror so many of our situations and give us an example of how to act. Abraham is certainly one to watch.

Please keep us posted on your mom. I wish Eva's tape could fix her.

Jill said...

I think it's totally normal to feel sick and worried when someone you love so much is suffering. It doesn't mean we don't have faith, but I think you are wise to look into what your faith is based on and the kind of servant you want to be. We don't have control over much in this life, but we can choose to grow closer to the Lord in times of trial.

Elizabeth said...

Praying for your Mama and you, I agree with the comments above. Your faith and love oozes from your post.

Anonymous said...

Michelle - Sending prayers from Tennessee! Andrea

Amy said...

Michelle, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom! I hope they are able to locate the problem quickly and get her all mended. I would hate to be so far away at a time like this.

As a person who has weathered some heavy trials, I can tell you that the sick to your stomach feeling does not in any way mean that you have weak faith! The assurance that things will turn out in the end, and the ability to move on--that is evidence of your very strong faith. Hold to that. I know you can do anything and everything the Lord asks of you. You are amazing and strong!

Amie said...

I'm sorry to hear your mom is still not feeling well. I thought you handled the news remarkably well... that was a tough spot to be in and to be so far.

I hope they find out what is messing with her blood soon!!!

Barb said...

I think the most difficult thing for me is to let go and truly mean it when I say 'thy will be done'. I'll pray for your mom as well. Sending love to you.

patsy said...

Oh gosh~
I'm so sorry she is going through this. You are an amazing lady- both of you! don't be so hard on yourself.

You are loved- said...

I'm so happy to have my laptop as my hospital friend!

Thank you for your comments and all of your friend's as well.

I can tell you that the faith and prayers of many are strong. I have a real testimony of the united strength in prayers and I have felt great comfort in yours and those of your sweet extended family. I realize that I have not been required to suffer much on this earth, and this is most likely a small thing. I was feeling so low yesterday, but today I feel a bit better. Dad and I talked last night and I prayed that I would use good judgement in going forward. I've had just about every flippin test possible and I am exhausted with them...and usually discouraged when they all come back "normal". So last night I told the Lord that I had made a decision to go home today if my blood levels were stable from yesterday and the last few days. They have been prepared to give me several units more of blood, but haven't had to. I feel that I may need to locate a specialist to really diagnose this thing. I could go home for a few days and be more comfortable if my blood levels are good. I feel really good about my decision and am waiting for the blood results. I'm sure the Drs. won't be too pleased with me, but what else can they do?

Sorry for such a personal comment, but my silly email has not been working and for the most part cannot be trusted to send, even though it shows "sent".

I love you. Thank you for the prayers and faith you exhibit. I find great comfort in that. But I can't deny that I wish we lived next door. And I loved your friend's comment about Eva's tape. I think Bella could get in on that one too!

Charlotte said...

Oh, I had no idea that Susan had to go back to the hospital. How scary. I admire your faith and the faith of our family, especially Susan's. And when a trial, especially an unexpected one, is hard, that doesn't mean your faith is lacking. Faith doesn't necessarily make trials easier, but rather faith strengthens you enough to handle it the best way you can. If you ask me, your faith is rock solid.

Love you. Love Susan. I'm praying.

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