spt -- love, me

This week's challenge was: what will you do for yourself this Valentine's Day?

I decided to give affirmations another try. In the past, I have shunned them, because my negative self-talk is so deeply entrenched, my brain immediately rejects them. But, in my efforts to free myself of negative thoughts, I'm giving it another go. Maybe if I persist, I will be able to get around my first reaction and train my brain to go in a more positive direction. A girl can hope, right?

and just because I love them so, I bought myself a bag of holiday m&ms and gave them a hug, Eva-style.

making an impact

Two recent incidents that reminded me yet again how an ordinary person just going about her daily life can have an impact on others:

1. While getting my hair done on Saturday, I was telling my stylist about all of the bloggers I know who have recently become runners, or otherwise made big positive changes in their lives. I explained that while I am genuinely thrilled for all of your accomplishments, it has made me wonder more than a few times why I can't seem to pull it together and make the changes that I really want to bring about in my life. In my typically self-deprecating style, I said, "What is fundamentally wrong with me that I can't seem to do this?".

She walked away for a few minutes while my color was processing, and when she returned, she firmly put her hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said, "There is nothing wrong with you." Then she told me her theory about how each of us has varying levels of energy, and we do what we can with the energy we have. She said she has observed my mothering when I have brought Max & Eva in for haircuts and she knows where most of my energy is expended. She spoke to me in such a serious, commanding, and slightly emotional way -- I felt as if I had no choice but to listen to her. It made me slightly weepy to have someone champion me in that way. I wish I could have her come over every day to reassure me there is nothing wrong with me!

2. During Sharing Time last Sunday, a member of our Primary presidency was teaching the children from the scriptures. She stopped and asked if they knew who put the little footnote letters in there. The children looked puzzled, and one girl tentatively said maybe the same people who wrote the scriptures. The pres. member just smiled and said, "No, actually, it was me!"

She went on to tell us that when she was in college, she was an exceptionally fast and accurate typist. One of her roommates had a data entry job, but then had to quit because she was moving away. This sister took over her job, and the data entry she was given ended up being all of the cross-references between the Book of Mormon and the Bible (at the time they each had their own footnotes but they didn't refer to each other). She worked on that project for eight years!

She explained to the children that she was absolutely nothing special, she grew up in Delta, but that she had a skill -- and that skill was put to use to do something that eventually would help many many people. She then told them that they would all have an important work to do, and that their job is to learn all they can and keep themselves pure so that they will be ready when it comes along.

I thought it was a great lesson for the children, and it got me thinking about what I could be doing, right now, to help others. I guess it's an every day -- and lifelong -- quest.

affirmations

I've been thinking about changing the way I think and talk to myself for some time.

Way back when I was in cognitive therapy for depression (about 13 years ago), my therapist challenged me to stop and evaluate my negative thoughts and find a place to frame them in a more positive light. Let's just say I'm still working on that one.

My focus word for the year is "free". As part of that focus, I want to free myself from my negative thoughts, which are primarily directed towards myself.

Crystalyn sent me the book As A Man Thinketh. It's a slim little gem of a volume, and I meant to post about it as soon as I finished it, but instead I've just been ruminating on it. Here a just a few of the lines that stood out to me:

Man holds the the key to every situation, and contains within himself that transforming and regenerative agency by which he may make himself what he wills.

The body is the servant of the mind. It obeys the operations of the mind, whether they be deliberately chosen or automatically expressed.

Change of diet will not help a man who will not change his thoughts. When a man makes his thoughts pure, he no longer desires impure food.

Thought is the font of action, life, and manifestation; make the fountain pure, and all will be pure.

Thought allied fearlessly to purpose becomes creative force: he who knows this is ready to become something higher and stronger than a mere bundle of wavering thoughts and fluctuating sensations; he who does this has become the conscious and intelligent wielder of his mental powers.

Then came Jill's challenge to stop the negative self-talk. I accepted the challenge, but it's been just that -- a challenge.

Then Elder Holland's talk in Conference yesterday.

For those of you that haven't heard it, he used James 3 as his text. (It refers to the tongue as being a small part of our body that nonetheless wields great power.)

I was particularly interested in his comments on the way we talk to ourselves -- and I'll have to defer to you note-takers out there for more detail.

So. It seems clear that I need to change my thoughts. My question now is, HOW?

I signed up for an online 10-week weight loss challenge, where I received an email every day with workout and diet tips, encouragement, and a daily affirmation. I think affirmations are a good idea, a way to re-train the brain, if you will. The problem is, my mind rebels against them. Telling myself I am lean, fit and strong just sounds preposterous! I immediately start thinking of all the reasons that statement is untrue.

Obviously, it's going to take a lot of effort to undo years of negative self-talk. It's become quite an ingrained habit. But could it really work to tell myself these affirmations, even if they seem ridiculous at first? Anyone got any suggestions?

mirror, mirror part 2

After reading Jill's post from today, I saw that we are having similar thoughts. I decided I would go ahead and do the other self-portrait post I was toying with yesterday.

Many people have told me that I have great skin. I just don't see it. (People tell me I have good hair, too, but I think we all know how I feel about that.) When I look at my skin, all I see is the blemishes, the large pores, the wrinkles that are forming. I always figured that people that thought I had good skin just weren't looking closely enough to see all of its flaws.

Then I noticed that almost everyone I knew complained about their skin. Yet when I looked at their skin, it looked perfectly good to me and I couldn't figure out why they hated it so much. Hmmm...

This leads me to believe that we can be much more forgiving of others' flaws than our own. Why is it so often difficult to have that kinder, more objective viewpoint about ourselves?

Maybe I need to take one giant step back and stop examining my faults with such a critical magnifying glass. Maybe I can learn to stop picking away at every little blemish I find. There must be a happy medium between trying to improve myself and despairing over my weaknesses. Surely I am worthy of my own forgiveness and loving thoughts.

So in response to Jill's challenge to overcome negative self-talk, I am committing to be kinder to myself. It seems a daunting task to break this nasty little habit I have, but I think I deserve it.