Thursday, January 04, 2007

depression rears its ugly head


I know, you're probably wondering how I could possibly be depressed after my fantastic book club last night and all the wonderful, thoughtful gifts I just got... but that's the worst thing about depression: quite often, there is no discernible reason for feeling depressed, it just descends like a huge black cloud.

And if you have a legitimate reason to feel depressed? or you're overly tired, or stressed... well, watch out.

It's interesting, when depression hits me hard, I never feel particularly sad. I just feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and unmotivated. I don't want to do much of anything. And most of all, I feel like I just can't cope with my life. I hate that feeling so much.

Jessie and I have had so many discussions about this apparently life-long trial of ours. When we're swinging low, it's hard to believe we will ever feel normal again. But when we're in a good place {when I feel like I can cope}, it can be hard to remember how bad the lows can get. It sure is good to have someone who can completely empathize.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is just a big wall of Resistance. I'm also trying to force myself to do something enjoyable, because even though I don't feel like doing anything, it usually helps.

Of course, there's nothing that anyone can do to help, but somehow it makes me feel a little bit better just to get it out there...

25 comments:

Elisa said...

My husband gets this way once or twice a year. It's hard for me not to blame myself. As if I were a more supportive wife he wouldn't feel so low...or even stupid little things like if I cooked better dinners he would feel happy. It's taken me 7 years to let it run it's course without it taking me down too. I still don't handle it that well, but at least I know what to expect a little better. What does your husband do? Is there something he could do to make you feel better or worse?

Jill said...

I always feel so helpless when you hit bottom like this because I can't do anything to make you feel better. But I understand because I experience times like this too and know that eventually they will pass. I think it's good that you can write about it and get it out rather than retreating into yourself and cutting off from others.

melanie said...

I'm so glad you have your blog to vent and get it out in the open. I have found myself in this position numerous times and it is so hard and dark. I never know exactly what got me out if it so when I get back there I'm lost again. Did that make sense? Realizing with Jessie it is a life issue must be a little helpful, no?

amy m said...

Michelle I want to reach out and give you a hug right now. I know that probably sounds so cheesy, but I know exactly what your talking about. Depression is a horrible feeling and when it hits it's hard to let it go. I agree with Jill, I think it's great you can express yourself. It certainly helps me when I feel that way because really all I want to do is find a quite place to hide. I hope the cloud lifts soon.

Hannah said...

I am so sorry that you and Jessie have this to deal with- and like Jill I always feel so helpless because I know nothing I can say or do will help.

Writing about it is good- even if there is nothing we can do as a whole to help with the feelings- just know that you are in our thoughts.

Jenny said...

I am glad you have an alley to get out your feelings too. There are some days I often wonder if I should write how I "truly" feel. It takes guts. But, I am often glad I have a place to vent. Please know we all care about you. I hope you feel better soon.

Tasha said...

Love you Michelle. I hope you feel like you can cope soon. Its so paralyzing to feel otherwise.

Laurie said...

Thanks for sharing Michelle. I have been experiencing some anxiety this week, and it helps to know others go through emotional and physcial bumps in the road too -- even though I don't wish for you to feel this way. I hope your today is better!

Syd said...

Hey Michelle, I'm a fellow Pink Christmas gal, and I just wanted to send some cyber hugs your way. I also totally understand. I have struggled with depression for the last few years. I know that I can't make it better, but I know for me it helps to know that I'm not alone. I have a good friend in real life also that I can turn to for comfort, but I know all the feelings you are dealing with. I hate the unmotivated feeling, not being able to DO anything. I hope that you can find something to do for yourself that helps, even if just for a little while. I'm sorry.

jenn said...

Depression has become such an ugly word too, with such negative connotations. I know I avoid the word, saying instead that I'm having a bad day, days, week...
But you are not alone in this! You describe it so well- the lack of motivation and inability to find a reason. I feel this way at least once a week. Sometimes it lasts hours, sometimes days. And the deabilitating feeling feeds itself, making it hard to pull out.
I'm thinking of you! Thanks for being brave enough to share!! I complain a lot, but always choose the false happy face. So, really- thank you!

mom said...

I'm sorry to hear you describe your lack of motivation and sense of saddness. I do think it is very common this time of year. I would turn to prayer and don't be hopeless. I wish I were there to cheer you up and admire your hair in person!!I will pray for you. Maybe you should study the paper catalog I sent and await the order!
I love you always,

Diana said...

Michelle I am so sorry that you have to suffer through depression. I feel so bad for you and Jessie. I can empathize with how you feel a little. I remember so vividly how i felt with my Post Partum Depression with both kids. It honestly is the most awful thing I have ever had to go through. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to go through it more often. I hope you are freed from this depression soon. Know I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.

Crystalyn said...

Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget. That sunrise never failed us yet.
– Celia Thaxter

i hope your sunrise comes soon. i don't like these times either. i too have had the "after christmas blahs." it seems we go so hard during the holidays and then there is a let down after! you are very brave to share. i think we all feel this way at some point. it's hard when a friend is going through it because we would all love to do something but know that often it's just a matter of letting time pass.

Amie said...

I hope you get feeling better soon. I'm glad you are not retreating from us. I miss when you don't post.

While I don't from depression I do withdraw and pretend I am fine by myself when I get overwhelmed and am struggling. I love when all of the sudden I realize I am not feeling like that anymore.

I am not having the first week of the year I had hoped for either! I wish there were something we could do to help you out - keep venting and cry (that helps me, I think the tears carry away some of the cares).

rebecca said...

I am so sorry, Michelle.
I admire you for trying to do something enjoyable - that shows such a stregth of character.
Your picture completely captures the aura you describe. I hope that you soon feel like posting a big fat bowl of lemons.

Kelly said...

I know I'm a stranger, but I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and that it is a part of your life. Maybe loving words from your friends can wipe a bit of the smudge away, and hopefully your darkness will lift soon.

amy w. said...

Thinking of you Michelle. It looks like you are getting plenty of cyber hugs--please add mine! Hang in there until the light comes!

rmt said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling blue. I've had similar discussions with Jessie many times as well. I wish that I had could say that I had it figured out, but I do not. I know that my depression often hits after something really good--like having a great book club meeting or feeling really hopeful about a new goal or something. I don't know why that is, but for me it usually just takes time.
Hang in there. I wish I could give you a hug, too.

Kristi Brooke said...

so were we seperated at birth or what? did we give this to each other for the year we lived together?

Michelle, I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel. The first week of the year is my worst week. i feel guilty for all the thank you cards i need to write, that I should be thinner, that i have not sent out all my christmas cards, that i have not sent you your cute monogrammed christmas gift i made you November sitting her on my desk looking at me.
you know honestly when i get like this jeff is so confused. people that he sees that are sick are missing half of their face, so when i look fine he does not understand. and all i want is a big hug. he came home the other day and i was seriously under the covers and the girls were jumping all over me laughing, they thought it was a game and i felt like i was trying to be invisible.
i always feel bad for my friends and think, they must get sick of being my friend when i get like this. living here no one knows me well enough yet, they just know they have been calling me all week and i have not listened to my messages or called them back. i think i have 8 messages on my machine but feel too overwhelmed to listen to them.
i love you and at times like this i wish i had a photo of chris pein that i could punch to make me feel better!

Dana said...

((BIG HUG))

Dana :)

Jordan said...

Michelle, I was in a very bad car accident right after I got my license--I was driving and my sister was severely injured (it was questionable whether or not she would be able to bear children). She has 4 beautiful girls now. We as women naturally blame ouselves, you are wise to get it out there and even wiser to understand that this too will pass. Much love to you.

Amy said...

Michelle, I know exactly what you mean. I get the same way, but probably not as bad. I don't know. But I do know it's so hard to break out of. I hope you feel better soon.

pam said...

Oh my friend, how I ache for you. I have found that for me when life is crashing around my shoulders that I go and tan, I know it sounds goofy but somehow it lifts my spirits. Here's hoping that your cloud lifts soon.

stefanie said...

Your post has opened my eyes to a side of depression that I really never considered. I have always thought of depression as just being sad. I have found myself feeling completely unmotivated quite a bit lately and maybe now I know why.

I am sorry to hear that you are not having a great week, but I am so glad that you posted this. I would love to hear about how you get through days like these.

ShawnaB. said...

So very sorry, Michelle. I am late to comment, but really hope that things get better soon.

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