the spirit of reciprocity

All this talk about generosity and reciprocity has got me thinking about the person who coined the term "spirit of reciprocity" in my life: my grandma (otherwise known as Charlotte Jane Hunter Petersen -- isn't that a great name?). It was maybe 2 or 3 years ago, and we were talking on the phone. I was lamenting the fact that I hadn't sent her a gift for her birthday, or maybe Christmas, I don't know. And she said, "honey, it doesn't matter. We have a spirit of reciprocity." I thought about that for awhile and realized how right she was. The connection that we have is deep and true, and we don't expect gifts or anything else from each other. If and when we do send a gift, it's a happy surprise, but it is never necessary, and certainly not expected. Sure, Grandma has given me expensive lipsticks, darling home accessories, scrapbook supplies, homemade divinity, and even a place setting of my china, but the most valuable gifts she has given me are her time and her wisdom.

When I was between the ages of 5 and 12, we lived not too far from my grandparents' house in Colorado. We would go and visit at least once a week, and often slept overnight. I have so many memories of the time I spent with my Grandma. I often got sick (who knows why) and she would come and take care of me in the middle of the night. She taught me to knit and crochet (I never did get the hang of knitting). She played Boggle, Scrabble, and cards with me. She would arrange playdates for me with little girls in her ward. She would take me to the quaint neighborhood bookstore and often bought me a new book to read. She would make me Postum and serve me lunch on a tray in front of the TV. On Christmas Eve, when I didn't want to go to bed, she would give me a container of almonds to snack on in my sleeping bag, even though I had already brushed my teeth. When we left her house, she would often send me home with a ziploc bag of homemade rolls (my favorite), that were just for me. I would hide them under my bed and pull them out to eat while I read Dr. Doolittle. She would take me to the park or to chat with her neighbor who had bushes in her backyard shaped like giant animals. When I went to church with her, she would always tickle my arms and give me mints from her purse.

But, best of all, she would talk to me. We moved around so much that I never felt grounded, like I had a home that always stayed in the same place. Grandma's home was that place for me. I never forgot her phone number, and we have always kept in touch. We have had conversations about everything under the sun: the gospel, marriage, sex, family relationships, shoes, clothes (t's not often that you see a grandma whose wardrobe you envy...), motherhood, you name it. She has taught me about cooking, education, parenting, self-improvement, attitude, patience, endurance, aging gracefully. She even gives me the best book recommendations!

When I was young, I remember feeling so special that Grandma would take the time to talk to me, and she always talked to me as if I was someone important. She never condescended like so many adults do to children. She taught me about respect. Now I am privileged to be treated as her peer. We ask each other advice (although, truth be told, it's more often me doing the asking!). We mourn together, and rejoice together. Even if more time elapses between our conversations than I would like, each time we talk again, it's as if nothing has changed between us.

Perhaps the most important gift Grandma has given to me is acceptance. I have always felt that she loved me, just the way I am. I always see my faults, my imperfections, my follies, the room for improvement. Grandma always makes me feel like I am wonderful, right now. I never feel as though I have to try to be someone I'm not. I'm good enough! It was only in the last few years that I was able to articulate this and realize that not everyone has a person like this in their lives. That realization made me determined to become that person for someone else, whether it be my husband, my children, or my grandchildren. That total acceptance is absolutely priceless.

So, my friends, this, to me, is the spirit of reciprocity. It's something I want to cultivate in my life, in my heart. It's a spirit of generosity, but it has very little to do with material things. I feel so blessed to have many examples of the spirit of reciprocity within my circle of family and friends. Thanks for showing me the way.