Max went to a Scout pow-wow at UVSC on Saturday morning. On the way there, he asked if I thought he would have fun. I said yes, since he always has fun when he goes to Scouts, and asked why he was wondering. He pointed out that there would be a lot of people there and he's very shy. Right. I would have been totally hesitant to go, too, so why am I surprised when he reacts the same way I would? (He did end up having a good time.)
On Saturday night we went to a ward dinner. It was the best one I've been to so far, for several reasons:
1. It was for adults only.
2. They got a list of young women who were willing to come to our homes and babysit as a service, then they actually called and asked which young woman I would like for my babysitter!
3. One of my neighbors is the head of all the food at Thanksgiving Point, and they got him to cater the dinner. The food was really good: salad, green beans and peppers, vegetable lasagne with a white sauce, rosemary chicken, breadsticks, cheesecake.
4. They invited a guest speaker on improving communication in relationships.
He spoke a little bit about the color personality test, briefly describing the different categories and their general characteristics. I of course am white -- in any test like this, I am always the color that is the most bland, or in this case, no color at all! Whites are motivated by peace. (Marc is yellow, motivated by fun.)
Then he talked about what happens when we have disagreements. Disagreements are, of course, a natural and even healthy part of a relationship, depending on how we resolve them. Here's where it got interesting to me: he said that we need to foster a "safety zone" in our relationship, and in the midst of our arguments. When we don't feel safe, we retreat, and we can't communicate effectively anymore.
Depending on our personality, we tend to either retreat to silence or violence. (I think violence is a poor word choice here, and he probably was only using it because it rhymed with silence. I think he meant more aggression, in your face.) I totally retreat into silence. I just shut down when I don't feel safe, although I don't know if I've thought of it in those terms before.
He taught us that we need to be honest with ourselves and each other, and be willing to say "let's come back to this later, because I'm not feeling safe right now" or "we're leaving the safety zone, I need a break", etc. It's funny, but just having a script like that is helpful for me. He also said that most of the time when we leave the safe zone, it's because we're being selfish. We need to relinquish our desire to be right (even though we might very well be!) and think more about what we want for the other person.
Is it just me or is that about the hardest thing in the world to do?
Anyway, a good night, with good dinner, good conversation, and food for thought.
Last night we carved pumpkins. Lucas did the carving on his for the first time and was so very proud. Today we'll be doing more! I like it in theory, but I really don't enjoy scooping out pumpkin guts. Also, I didn't think to put the pumpkins on the porch last night and now my whole kitchen smells of pumpkin. I love pumpkin, but the smell is not doing much for me.
Monday, October 30, 2006
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12 comments:
Oh dear, your kitchen smelling like pumpkin guts is a frightening thought, I'm glad this isn't a day for me to be there. We'll be carving pumpkins tonight with the window open! I don't enjoy that smell at all.
I think it's so cool that your ward organized such an interesting adult-only activity, with actual good food. Did you and Marc have a good discussion about the speaker's message? It's hard to imagine saying "I don't feel safe right now" in the middle of an argument, but I can definitely see the validity of it and having that option available.
Sounds like a grand dinner in my book. I love relationship types of talks/speakers. And a major bonus you were able to pick the babysitter of choice & for free at that!
Do you happen to have a copy of the color personality test? I think that would be interesting and maybe we could use that in an up coming ward activity.
What a great activity for the adults in your ward- all around! Gotta love anything that teaches about communication with your spouse.
I am jealous of the pumpkin smell- unlike Jill, I love it and love when it lingers. I could gut pumpkins everyday and just relish in the feel and smell of it all.
Max's comment about having fun cracked me up because once when we were about to go out for dinner with friends, Darin asked "Do I have to talk tonight?". No only does he retreat to silence when he out of his "safety zone" he prefers to be silent all of the time! I am afraid I am the aggressor. Sometimes I dearly wish I would stay silent.
I've done that color test before and I'm equal in red and blue (which makes sense because I love being in charge but hate hurting people's feelings). I think it's pretty interesting! It's nice and mind-clearing to have personalities more defined and compared like that--I've always found the "Color Code" fascinating!
Your ward dinner sounds so nice. I am wanting some adult only activities lately. I love the color code but not as much as Love Languages.
My kids are painting their pumpkins because Jimmy isn't home and I didn't want to deal with the mess. That makes me sound like a fabulous mom doesn't it.
Your ward dinner sounded great! I think I've heard of some of the lessons he shared with you. It certainly rings true to me. Glad you were able to enjoy it child free!
I also wanted to tell you that I enjoyed your pumpkin patch photos too!
How awesome was that night?! Very cool. I so enjoy listening to messages about better communication and the like. I enjoy learning interesting things about what I'm prone to with my personality and others as well. I think it really helps me put things in perspective and not be so selfish. Glad you were able to have a good time and take something from the class.
What a great night. My beef with our ward dinners is that they assign seating and somehow we end up sitting with the most random company - and I can usually make conversation with just about any but these experiences.
I'm a blue/white who married into a very red family. It was very scary for a few years. A very nice red family though. ;-) I think having the ability to step away from a heated situation and both understanding that it's time to step away is a great tactic.
Oh yeah, its totally hard, we're supposed to make a rational and selfless decision right in that moment? I find that thinking about it in more self-serving terms helps me, and the people I work with. When a conversation/arguement gets like that, you are not going to get what you want. Not by clamming up or by yelling. The only way for me to get what I want is to calm down, get back to the safe place, and act like a human being. So, its more appropriate behavior, its morally the right thing to do, but ultimately its going to get me closer to getting what I want if I do it. Sad but true. It works to think about it that way!
happy Halloween today.
THat dinnter sounds so nice. Our ward dinners are usually consist of ok food, lots of kids running around and some kid getting hurt. I would love an all adult dinner. Perfect that they provided babysitters too!
OH, i am a blue and white on the color test... I guess I'm a cougar through and through even in my personality :)
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