Ever since we saw Buck, I have been wondering what it would be like to have a true passion for something.
When I was growing up, I always wished I was so passionate about something that I wanted to devote all of my energy to it. Dance. Gymnastics. Figure skating. Anything, really.
I would watch the Olympics and feel kind of heartsick that I wasn't really good at something. I still feel that way a little bit when I watch So You Think You Can Dance. (Because I already know, the answer is NO. Just like when Jill says she watches Survivor and wonders if she could do all of those things. For me, the answer is NO. I could not.)
I've been passionate about things in the past. Reading. Scrapbooking. Education. Singing. Quilting. French. Blogging. Politics. Baking. Mothering. Photography. I just don't feel really passionate about anything right now. (Well, still reading. Always reading.)
Since I've been sick for a week (bronchitis), I've had a lot of time to lie around, read, and think. Among other things, I read Saving CeeCee Honeycutt (loved it). Here's a passage that really gave me pause:
"Everyone needs to find the one thing that brings out her passion. It's what we do and share with the world that matters. I believe it's important that we leave our communities in better shape than we found them.
"Cecelia Rose", she said, reaching for my hand, "far too many people die with a heart that's gone flat with indifference, and it surely must be a terrible way to go. Life will offer us amazing opportunities, but we've got to be wide-awake to recognize them. . . if there's one thing I'd like most for you, it's that you'll find your calling in life. That's where true happiness and purpose lies. . . you've got to find your fire, sugar. You'll never be fulfilled if you don't."
". . . But how will I know what my fire is?"
". . . Oh you'll know. One day you'll do something, see something, or get an idea that seems to pop up from nowhere. And you'll feel a kind of stirring–like a warm flicker inside your chest. When that happens, whatever you do, don't ignore it. Open your mind and explore the idea. Fan your flame. And when you do, you'll have found it."
I guess I'm at a bit of a crossroads, maybe. I've sacrificed a lot of my time, my dreams, to nurture my children. And while I know for a surety that my older children don't need me any less than my younger children did, it's different now. They still need my love, my attention, my interest, but they don't need me to do every little thing for them. They don't need me constantly.
Now I think I have a little more time to devote to my passions, if I can only figure out what they currently are. When I was in the years of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing infants, I was passionate about that. I wanted to be a doula, a labor & delivery nurse, or something along those lines. I could still be passionate about that if I put my mind to it.
I still want to be passionate about mothering. I just have to figure out how to be good at it in this new phase. It doesn't come as naturally to me.
I feel a rekindling of my passion for quilting.
I think I could be passionate about volunteering. I'll have to explore that further.
I want to be passionate about things that make me happy, but I also want to be passionate about something that makes a difference for others.
Right now, I just don't know what it is. I wonder how long it will take for me to find out.
The thing is... I really don't want to have a heart that's gone flat with indifference.