I was flipping through an old Real Simple in an attempt to simultaneously fulfill my goals of de-cluttering and finding cool pictures to use in my art journal. (mission accomplished!) And what do you know? I found fodder for a post as well.
I am going to quote prodigiously from this article called Dare to be Different: Stay True to Yourself (by Gail Blanke) because it really spoke to me.
Somebody doesn't like you? Good. No one ever made an impact on the world without standing out from the crowd. So embrace your unique qualities. They're what makes you unforgettable.She tells a story of herself as a little girl coming home from a birthday party, in tears because one of the other girls didn't like her. Her mother asked,"Darling, can you think of anything that absolutely everyone in the world likes? Because I can think of only one thing, and that's water. Because it has no taste. Do you want to be like water?" (let's be honest, at this point I'm thinking -- but I AM water! What now?)
Most of us are afraid to be controversial, or even to be too intensely who we are. We're like lemonade with too much water in it and too few lemons. We dilute our "flavor" so we won't offend anyone. And, in the process, we give away our power, the essence of who we are that makes us unique and unforgettable.At this point, I was feeling very beige, not unique or unforgettable at all. But here's the kicker: a 4-step plan to an unforgettable you!
The truth is, the world belongs not to the one who fits in but to the one who stands out. In music, art, architecture, entertainment, literature, politics, and business, it's the maverick, the one who gets "carried away" who wins the day. Whatever it is you do want, the principle is the same: be unabashedly yourself.
1. Make a list of the qualities that you like best about yourself, the things that make you unique. Put down everything from your loyalty to your humor to your ultra-green thumb to the wonderful way you listen. You won't always be the only one you know who possesses a particular quality, but the combination will set you apart for sure.Isn't this cool? Now I don't know that I struggle so much anymore with needing to feel universally liked. But liking myself -- now that is a struggle at times, and one I am determined to win. I haven't followed these steps yet, but I plan to.
2. Ask people who love you what they like best about you, what they think makes you one of a kind. Listen to what they say, and believe them. Resist the temptation to say, "Oh, that's not such a big deal," when they tell you that your instincts about people are unerring or that your speaking voice is beautiful. You'll be surprised at the talents and qualities they uncover that you've never acknowledged.
3. Make a list of the talents and qualities you'd like to be known for. They may not be prominent or even visible in your personality right now, but with enough practice, they could be. The universe hasn't made up its mind about you; it knows only what you show it today. And you get to decide what that is. What could be more thrilling than inventing or reinventing your very best self?
4. Catch yourself when you fall into the "everybody needs to like me" trap. Review that list of "my unique qualities" every day. You're not here to fit in but to stand out. Dare to be controversial.
I'm also thinking about turning this into a "casual conversation" (or perhaps even an FHE lesson?) to try to get Max thinking about staying true to who he is as he enters junior high. Because if ever there were a time and place to make you doubt who you are -- and the value of individuality in general -- it's junior high!
23 comments:
Apparently I need to read my Real Simple magazine, I don't know what happened to me this year but I haven't read a single magazine that has come to my house!
I think this is a hard concept for me because I don't like the thought of someone not liking me, yet I don't want to be water either. I think I need to incorporate the 4 step plan.
I liked this line: "The truth is, the world belongs not to the one who fits in but to the one who stands out." I think it is a true gift (one I would very much like to have) to be able to stand out and yet make others feel wonderfully unique too. I think I will have to go do the 4-step plan also.
Love the four step plan. I'm afraid I do very much want to be universally liked. I love the idea of being unabashedly myself too b/c I struggle to be o.k. with that. Sad, but the good news is - I think I do love myself. That's a start!
Michelle, I'm so glad you posted this today, the reminder was much needed. I appreciate the little gifts I've received from you all year--first the wonderful pink Christmas and then the insights into Paris, then a birthday card and continually interesting posts. Thank you, thank you for standing out in my world.
I don't think anyone likes the idea of not being liked- that sounds so harsh, but I see it as having things in common. You can't have everything in common with everyone or you wouldn't be unique. The less you have in common, the less you *like* that person.
This article is great and I appreciate that you wrote all the steps out. I am totally going to do them.
I think it is so funny that you were thinking that you were water- I just don't get that from you the more I get to know you.
This mirrors smthg that I told Erin only 2 or 3 weeks ago. She had started to talk about the things the other girls in her class have/do - and this set alarm bells off for me with the whole 'peer pressure' thing that goes with children - so I talked with her about how it is BRAVER to be DIFFERENT. I said, 'It's easy to do the same as everyone else. It's braver to be different.' She knows what 'brave' means, so I'm sure she understood.
That's a great list, Michelle, which I know I need to remember - but my biggest, truest, most desired wish is that my girls will grow up strong enough in character to never have to worry about things like this. I don't know if that will ever come about. It's, perhaps, ingrained in women to worry about acceptance, but that's my hope for my girls!
This, along with Jill's post today, really has me thinking. Great article.
Great post!
I love the idea of a FHE lesson about it!
Incidentally, have you read "The Color of Water"? Its one of my top favorites!
Michelle this is such a good post. Last night I was feeling so down and so lonely not really enjoying who I am. I appreciate that you shared this article with us it helps a lot. I an anxious to try those steps.
Love your picture and post.
I'm not really sure how to respond. I know that many times I wish I were more like diluted lemonade because I think my frankness can be off putting or offensive. So for me I've been on the other side of offending someone for showing my "true colors". But, I am not interested in being diluted lemonade either.
Thanks for your list- maybe it will help me to find a happy medium.
Great idea for FHE. Especially with the impending leap from elementary to middle school in your household.
I guess I need to get to reading my issue on my coffee table too.
I think it's a great idea to broach this with Max. Ahh, junior high!
I loved this post. I hesitated to share something on my blog yesterday because it was a little "lemony", and yet so "me". I did it, and I'm glad, and after I wondered what the big deal (in my own mind) was. I could use these 4 steps. And I love the idea for kids. Brynlee's last year of elementary is upon us, much to my shock.
And for the record, I've always thought you were a lovely lemonade sort of girl. No beige or water for you.
Hmmm. Lots to think about. I'm not sure where I fit in... I don't think I am a people pleaser at all but I often think I should learn to keep some of my opinions to myself too. Like Lara said, probably a happy medium (like everything) would be a good goal.
michelle, i have two seconds, but had to say we made it to france it was amazing! can't wait to tell you all about it.
that place is so amazing and beautiful
I read this post the other day, but didn't have time to comment. Then something happened with my girls at the playground with some other children, and it made me think of this post. I had to talk to them about choosing the right even if/when no one else is doing it. It is really the same thing sort of as what this article is talking about. We are a peculiar people and it is because we need to be in the world but not of the world. Thank you for sharing this article!
I like the quotes! How she spoke to her daughter about being water -cute. I don't 'worry' about myself, just want my kids to feel good about themselves. For FHE one time we passed around paper with our names at the top and wrote something nice about that person & folded it, then passed it on. We need to do this often -they got into it. Oh. I just saw John Bytheway has a book for teens about getting through jr. high!!
C is going into 8th. ciao
wow! that was great thanks for sharing. I loved reading the 4 steps.
Had to just comment on smthg, having read what Liz has said about the playground and her daughters.
I took Erin to a garden centre yesterday, and as we got out of the car she saw a mother and grandmother getting out of another car with about 3 or 4 children in tow. The children all ran to a HUGE pile of topsoil bags that were stacked up and immediately started to climb all over them. Erin asked me what they were doing, and why. Usually I'd just shrug and say, 'Oh, I dunno. You're not to do it', but this time I decided to stick my neck out and make an effort to give my opinion. To her anyway.
So I did. I said, 'It's not something they should be doing. It's not a playground, and it's dangerous. If those bags topple over they'll really get hurt. They shouldn't do that.'
Anyway, I suddenly realised that the mother and grandmother were within earshot! Oops. *blush*
But the thing is, I'm glad I was honest and straight, because the mother immediately rushed over to them and shoo-ed them off and castigated them for clambering over stuff.
I was just glad that I'd answered Erin properly and just 'said it the way it is'. It would've been far too easy to just shrug and say, 'I dunno, Erin. They're climbing...'
You know what Grandma always says, "[Whatever I do/say] only has to be okay with me and the Lord." Good advice.
I LOVED this. Are you a Ralph Waldo Emerson fan? So many of these quotes reminded me of one of my favorites of his - "Self Reliance". There are so many fantastic ones, but this is one of my favorite quotes from it: "What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."
Thanks for sharing this post. I actually think I might look into that 4-step plan.
michelle this is really amazing post.
i saw jill wrote about it and had to jump over.
(it may take me a few days to catch up on blogs)
i think i have become so over the fact not everyone likes me, sadly enough i learned that early on, but at times it made me want that much harder to be liked - which is why i was such a dork my freshman year and desperately tried to hang on to a boyfriend -
i love the step program and just think i might try to make a list and such.
i like the idea of a FHE out of this...
thanks michelle for typing all this.
This magazine article came at just the right time for me when I was suffering from someone not liking me. I was working on watering down my real self, and this article turned me around.
I love this thought, but it's also one that I struggle with. I want to get the "theys" out of my head and just be me. Ultimately I know I don't want a friend that doesn't know who I am and by being me I will find those who love me for me.
Thanks for this thought today.
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