strange epiphany

Today was a bit of a downer after the high I was on yesterday. I didn't get enough sleep and felt like I was sleepwalking all morning. So I didn't exercise, I didn't clean my house (totally needs it), and I was just generally unproductive. It's one thing to be unproductive by choice, because you're relaxing or doing something fun; it's quite another to be unproductive through inertia. I hate that.

Then, through a misunderstanding, I was just killing time at home before I went to Jill's. (I thought they were doing family stuff until noon.) I started off for her house about noon, then called her to see if she'd had lunch yet. She didn't answer her home phone or cell, so I stopped in at Robert's. (They had the new Ali Edwards book! The day wasn't all bad!) Then I called her again, again no answer. I was beginning to wonder if she'd had a change of plans. I decided to run into D.I. to see if I could score any good books. I found three -- nothing like Jill, but then she probably cleaned them out last night! I also found a pretty cute Ralph Lauren jumper for Eva for $2.00.

Jill called me back and said she was home and had been expecting me since about 9:30! What the heck? Oh well, I finally got there around 1:30. It kind of made me sad to realize how rarely we go to Jill's house. It's stupid, really. Yeah, it's a little difficult with Eva and her nap schedule (who are we kidding? it's really about my nap fantasy) but why do we never go for just a little while? I'm a chump (and a pathological homebody). It was nice to admire her new red buffet, kick back on her comfy couches, and admire Whitney's scrapbooks.

So far, there's really nothing bad about my day. So why did I come home and feel completely depressed? The boys came home from school, I took Lucas to play with a friend, and Eva went down for a nap. Instead of getting something done, which always makes me feel good, I curled up on my bed in the fetal position. After awhile, I decided I was feeling chilly, so I climbed under the covers. I couldn't go to sleep for some unknown reason, so I was just lying there wondering why I felt so lousy. I detest when I get like this.

Marc came home and was also wondering why I was feeling so low. I said I had no idea. He proposed that perhaps it could be attributed to the fact that I've been staying up way too late for several nights in a row. Well, good point! as Lucas likes to say. I then realized that I was feeling pretty low on Wednesday as well. And you know what? I didn't exercise on Wednesday and I hadn't exercised today. I know, I know, people always say that exercise gives you endorphins and that it is good medicine for depression. But you don't understand -- it has never had that effect on me before! I've had periods in my life where I exercised very regularly, and I just didn't get that great feeling that I always hear about. (Thus the fact that I have not exercised in the last two years. Seriously.)

Marc convinced me to just go for a bike ride this evening. I didn't really want to, but I decided to give it a try, and we all headed to the track. I hooked up the bike trailer that I assembled a couple of days ago and tried riding with it empty. To my surprise, I couldn't even feel a difference. So when we got to the track, we put Eva in the back! I only felt a little bit harder, not as difficult as I expected at all. She seemed to enjoy it, too. This thing is the best invention in the world! Now I can ride my bike any time I feel like it, with Eva in tow. And, drum roll please, my mood had totally improved by the time we came home.

Perhaps only Jessie and Jill will truly understand how earth-shattering this feels to me. Have I become one of those people? Is it possible that after only two weeks, I can feel a real difference in my state of mind when I don't exercise? This is pretty major. Positive reinforcement for exercise! I guess I know what I need to do: get to bed earlier, make time for exercise, make it a priority to take care of me. Thanks for all your support, guys.