Marc's sister Lisa called last night. She was in Salt Lake, and wondered if she could come down, since she has to leave this morning for home (CA). I had heard that she was going to be in town, but it was very vague as to actual dates. Regrettably, I didn't get any photos! I guess it was just too hectic because I was getting all the kids to bed at the same time.
We don't see each other very often, and when we do, it's normally very chaotic, with many distractions and interruptions (did I mention she has 6 kids?!). We were fortunate last night, because we had minimal interruptions from my boys, and then complete peace and quiet after they went to bed! I don't know if Lisa and I have ever had a quiet conversation by ourselves before. It was most enjoyable.
The best part was that she told me she is experiencing a lot of growth right now and is finally finding ways to make sure that her needs are met. She is always meeting the needs of everyone else in her family, with no time left over for herself. Consequently, she is always drained, sick, or just plain exhausted. (Kind of the plight of mothers, is it not? Sounds like a classic case of smotherhood to me.) I think that's the fundamental issue of motherhood: finding a balance between meeting our own needs and the needs of our children and spouse.
The day before her birthday, she worked out a scheme where her husband took the kids and she went out alone for awhile. She described her outing (a trip to Barnes & Noble) with rapture. I felt badly that this is such a very rare occurence for her. We all need breaks! She was able to come to SLC for the weekend to attend a music workshop. I was so happy for her that she could do something to develop her talents of singing/songwriting. We talked about the resistance she encountered from her family to her "me" time. She recounted something a friend told her: when you make changes in your life, it affects your relationships. It's like you've changed the steps to a familiar dance. They don't know the routine anymore, and it takes them awhile to learn the new steps. Interesting.
Some of the best advice my grandma ever gave me was when Max was a baby. I was telling her how difficult I was finding the transition to motherhood and how I never seemed to have time for me. She told me that you have to make time. You find a friend and you go to the park together, let the kids play while you talk. You go out in the evening when your husband is home. You do whatever it takes. I was so grateful for her words. I realized it's not about being selfish, it's about refilling your reserves so that you have more to give. I have tried to follow her advice, and I am sure that I am a better mother for it.
While cleaning out under my bed the other day, I found some books I had forgotten I had, about the transition from working outside the home to being a stay-at-home mom. I flipped through them and found some great insights. For instance, one woman said she felt like a maid for her family until she started thinking of herself as a household manager. Instead of being a servant, she was the one in charge, who could delegate tasks, decide how and when things would get done. It changed her whole outlook. Another woman looked everywhere for fulfillment, only to realize that her fulfillment lay in her relationships. As long as she was doing something to improve her relationships, she felt fulfilled, even if the house was a mess, or she didn't accomplish what she had planned to that day.
So I'm wondering, what do you do to take care of yourself?
9 comments:
This post is so perfect for me today Michelle! Lately I have been feeling pulled in every direction and almost guilty for wanting to be alone and just doing my thing, which usually I have a hard time deciding what I even want to do. I am going to start riding my bike again in the evenings after Mya is to bed. It was so nice for a while until I got busy and just pushed it aside like I always seem to do. Great post for today! Thanks~
I often feel the affects of smotherhood, but also feel like I've got a great support system of friends, blogging, and no-guilt about taking time for me. I KNOW I NEED it, so I realize I'm not helping anyone by not taking the time to feel better. Randy and the kids know this too and are excellent about me going out with friends or by myself. I don't know how women who have lots of kids or who don't get time to themselves handle their lives. It's kind of frightening really because if they don't take time to rejuvenate and just be, then something's got to give and most likely that would be at home. Yikes.
I am one that feels that sometimes my greatest sacrifice is for others not my family. That is where I need the balance. I need to learn to give them the best and than give friends and others the rest. I have found I have never felt bad for me time. I know it makes me a better mother, wife, person. I love my running nights with friends. We put the kids to bed and off we go. We always work out all life problems in a sweaty run with laugther and sometimes tears. I will try and do a girls night every month or so. I go to the temple with my husband once a month. I read, scrapbook. I need to learn to balance it though. Sometimes my frustration towards my kids for infringing on my me time is not right either. I think it is a hard balance
balance is a cuss word for me, right up there with schedule and routine! I know the theory is a good one, but the application is beyond me! I muddle through, luckily with really good friends to help me laugh along the way!!
This was a great post for me, because I am notorious for taking care of everyone else and forget to take care of me... in terms of doing what I want to do. Adam is great to take Lulu, but I always end up spending the down time on doing things I need to get done for others. I realize this is still alone time, but I need to make sure some of it spend on me.
I think it is hard to not feel selfish or justified when we want to schedule time to regroup and "refill". I love the sentiments about changing the dance. I think a lot of times we have good intentions of trying to make things work out for the me time, but when we get sooo much resistance it seems easier to not make the changes.
I appreciate you post, sometimes I feel like I am the only mom in the world who needs "me time" I love reading the other people feel the way I feel.
I go out a lot by myself when the kids go down or on Saturday when they are napping. I love lately to go to the gym at night, i know my body will never look the way it did before the babies but at least I feel great after working out.
I know that if I don't have some me time very frequently I will get depressed and be of no good to anyone.
Thanks again for the wonderful post.
One of the only things I make sure I do for ME is attend the temple. I feel like everything else I CAN do with the kids if I have to. I have also realized that this rejuvenates me more than anything else I can do.
I love when Jimmy takes the kids and the house is quiet and all mine. I will have to think, I don't really have set things but my kids are also bigger and fairly low maintenance so I do get some time to myself even when technically I have the kids.
I need ME time and I don't have kids. A clean house that is quiet and still, no demands on my time, even though I have no children, there are still demands for my time, I'm not really sure what else I do just for me. Oh, I know, girls night at least once a month. Girls weekend with the girls in my family at least once every 2 years (no children are allowed unless they are breast feeding), we usually go away on a trip.
I like watching really bad TV in my underwear, eating something like Peeps, or taking long walks around Manhattan by myself (when it is not hot), writing, going thrift store shopping, going into really expensive stores and resisting the urge of feeling like a "street rat," trashy $1.99 magazines, B horror movies, going to the gym...
I don't have kids but I do live in a one room apartment with a man who is 6'3" and really likes ESPN. So Alone Time is also needed. haha
Post a Comment