p. 182: (Some of the women in the parish were worried about Anna and came and cleaned her home.)
"... we wanted to help, we wanted to show we understand. I mean, we're women too--"
Anna took her hand. "I know. I believe you. I think you are a kind woman, Elaine. But -- and this will seem harsh and ungrateful to you -- I need the sort of kindness that is tailored for me, not just the unimaginative sort that it suits other people to give. Do you understand me?"
"No."
Well, I do. I completely understand. Unfortunately, I recognize myself more in Elaine than Anna. I often find myself wanting to help someone or show them a kindness, but not really knowing the best way to do it. Once a friend told me that her mom's solution to everything is baking cookies (said with a note of scorn). I felt stung, because I kind of do that myself! Not that I think a plate of cookies is going to solve the problem, more that I just don't know what else to do. I want to be one of those people that knows how to tailor my kindness to the individual situation (Jill, you're my hero!). I truly do not want to offer the unimaginative sort that it suits me to give. So how do I get from here to there? Anxiously awaiting your suggestions...
12 comments:
OUCH!! I guess I am more like Elaine too because I felt so touched by her comment about wanting to help and understand! I feel quite chastized by Anna's comments even though I agree with her too! It really is the better kindness! (Maybe I'm not understanding Anna because someone cleaned my house once for me and it was an AWESOME gift of kindness!!)
I want to be more tailored in my help too but I read once that the wrong words from a friend are better than no words. And I think there is truth to that too! So, even if I don't know what to do, how to personalize my help- something is better than nothing!
(Now I want to read this book!)
Okay, I think we've got a Mary and Martha type debate going on here. Marthas are necessary and admirable, but occassionally we need to have Mary-type moments where "the cookies" can wait because they aren't what's really needed right now. Sometimes just listening is the better gift.
I think in The Rector's Wife that's what Anna was trying to convey. She was trying to cope with her life, and the help the other women were giving her (though very nice) was not the kind of help she needed. Sort of like how the plate of cookies is a paltry gift if what the person actually needs is time, attention, sincere gratitude, or real help. It's the "check it off my list" type cookie delivery that was referred to with scorn (Yes, of course I was the one who said it!). A plate of cookies is a wonderful, thoughtful gift if it's out of the blue or a gesture of kindness. I only meant that cookies aren't the cure-all when a real struggle is taking place.
As for the book, I read it back in January of 1997 (it's in my quote book) so I'm very foggy on the details, I just remember feeling like I could totally relate to Anna. I'm happy to report that I had that quote written down in my quote book (woo hoo) along with a few others.
page 33--"I'm sorry, he said. Anna put her hands over her face. Please don't be. I haven't the strength left to comfort you."
page 34--"There is no gaiety in Peter, she thought, bending her face to the wafer, no real pleasure in living, just an anxious shrinking from everything except duty; obligation has become his rule, he clings to it, it stops him drowning."
page 116--"Everyone underestimates the effect of disappointment, of prolonged disappointment."
page 262--Does one ever know the difference between love and habit?"
wow. too much to think about, but I'd really like to know the answer when you find it Shell!
Jill said: "Sort of like how the plate of cookies is a paltry gift if what the person actually needs is time, attention, sincere gratitude, or real help." Exactly! Only, how do I know what is really needed? That's my problem.
I think if they are your close friends then just being yourself and being willing to give them time or babysitting, or a note in the mail or any sincere gesture is the right thing to do.
If it's someone else you don't know very well then a visit with cookies is probably nice, but if you can tell they need something more then maybe press them to tell you something else you can do for them. I think that in the book Anna was stuck because she was the Rector's wife and therefore had to keep a certain distance from the other women. I have a quote written down that describes this.
page 29 "There was, Anna saw with clarity, no possibility of intimate friendship within the parish, and never would be...She must get into the habit of using what she had, loaves instead of chocolate, herself instead of other people."
How sad and lonely that would be.
I'm pretty overwhelmed with this whole diologe. I often feel so overwhelmed with my own life and responsibilities that I don't know how or who to serve, I just know that the Lord expects us to serve one another and as I seek direction and wisdom I am consistently reminded that service is about as close to obedience when qualifying for the blessings that I seek. Most of my everyday associates don't relate to the whole idea. Dad is the best example of service that I know right now. His selflessness is my example and goal. You are the closest thing to Dad that I know--take heart.
yes, and don;t you resent him for it?! ;)
I read your post on Sunday and I wanted to post earlier, but I've had tons of techinical difficulties with comments. So sorry for the late entry.
Your post is something that I have thought a lot about over the years. I remember in my Modern American Usage class at BYU the professor, Don Norton, used to like to go on tangents and comment about Mormon culture. Other than his hilarious collection of wedding invitations, the one thing he talked about that really stayed with me was his ideas
on service in the church. We tend to think that providing a meal to a mother iwth a new baby, a person who is sick, etc, is enough, and then we're off the hook. I agreed with him (and I still do) that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't.
I have seen so many examples of true service over the years. I remember in one of my old wards we had a lady with a brain tumor. She had 3 little kids and she was pregnant. The ward banded together to make sure she had child care every day. She had neighbord calling her for her grocery shopping list so they could do her shopping for her. So many times we think of service as a burden, something we have to go out of our way to do. But I think true service comes when we assess the real needs of the people we are trying to help and realize that they have the same needs as we do. That's why a meal is sometimes ok, but other times grocery shopping for someone else is what's really needed. If we do this then service becomes something that we can do while we're fulfilling our own needs and nothing too daunting.
wow...well this has been on my mind lately! I grew up in the church and yet I feel so alienated to it on some aspects. I don't know if it is cultural or just different. When I came to the US the cookie thing is awesome, however, I don't think I grew up with that sort of thing. Now they have just called me to the Compassionate Service assistant part of Relief Society and I feel scared. There are like 17 girls pregnant in my ward and apparently we are catered to help them out. I also have a part of me that feels "I don't want to do things for obligation sake" but because "I feel it" sake. One situation that has arisen is this family, the husband is member but the girl is not...she has 2 kids a four year old and a 9 month old...she is having surgery and I am to call and see if she needs anything...I hate the fact that sometimes people feel "bugged" by us..especially if she is not a member, then again, the church should give her a good impression. I did talk to the husband about bringing her meals and such, but he said if there were a need it would be 'babysitting' he was waiting on his parents to see if they could help out...so he told me "I will call if need be...he hasn't" so I am refusing to leave a message on the answering machine since I think it is unappropriate. And then again I don't want to be perceived as this "nutty girl that won't get off my case." So the easy part I think would be "well we called and he said no thank you" and think we have served or even bring a meal or two... but the truth is really saying "are you going to need babysitting after all?" I think I am rambling here...but I think --Service-- to make it really mean something is to sacrifice something in order to give it and when you give it without sacrificing something it merely turns into something that is suiting"other people" just like she said, would that be our "conscience" so since I am in this dilema and I don't know the people I think I am going to approach them as authentically as I can; and I think that is basically asking them up front what is it that they need! on the other hand you don't get people telling you as blunt as ana did...they might think it....but they won't convey it! and to that my dad would say "that is their problem."
Shell, I think you are already better at this thatn you think. Look back on the book I made you thanking you for all the times you've been there for me. There were no cookies or meals involved. You were just there, when I needed it, whether it was convenient, or not, heart-wrenching, irritating, I don't know, but you were physically present for me to have a shoulder or an ear or whatever I needed. DOutless though, I knew you cared. I definately have a LOT to learn in this department and appreciate the whole discussion.
This one has been hard for me to comment on for some reason. Maybe because I know I need to work on the kind of service I do. I am the problem solver type, so I usually offer the constructive ideas rather than be the one to sit and listen or just drop the cookies by. I am working on this, but when I first read your post, I was thinking, why am I not more like the “cookie giver” type. Thinking back to when I have be in need of service, I always enjoyed the little things like cookies or flowers because it showed that the person was thinking about me- even if it was out of obligation or lack of knowing what else to do. At the time I was not really up for talking or had more help from family than I could handle. I enjoyed writing those thank you notes a few weeks later and feeling like I could call that person if I needed something. I try to remember the feeling I had and be the friend that comes a week or two later to sit and do whatever. Thanks for this post Michelle, I really have enjoyed reading the comments and looking inward at my own reasons and ways of service.
still thinking. i don't want you to think i am not going to get to this.
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